Building block- forgiveness – partner priority June 30, 2019 FUMC

Building block- forgiveness – partner priority

June 30, 2019 FUMC

Let’s try something. Repeat after me. “I” …” forgive” … “you. “Let’s try one more time. “I” …” forgive” … “you.” Wow. You did great. For many people those 3 simple words are the hardest words to say.

I don’t mean it is hard to pronounce like elephant, cinnamon, spaghetti, or Gyro. No, this speech problem comes from somewhere deep inside of us.

Maybe it is our gut where we like to hold a grudge.

Maybe it is our brain that says, “they hurt me and that’s it.”

Maybe it is our ego that wants to feel superior by holding this wrong over someone’s head.

Wherever the problem is, “I forgive you” are some of the hardest words in the English language. And too often they get stuck in our throats and never get said.

You have heard me say that communications is the most important thing in a marriage and family. And the most important communication is “I forgive you.”

Jesus said, “where 2 or 3 are gathered in my name there I am in their midst.” I say that is a good thing because sooner or later someone’s feelings are going to be hurt. Sooner or later forgiveness will be required.

Today I am talking about the 2nd to last building block of Christian families: Forgiveness. Everyone in the family needs to learn to forgive and receive forgiveness. Most of us have refereed a children’s fight and said, “now, say you are sorry.” That is an important lesson. For Children to learn. Junior high is a hyper-dramatic age where youth can be mortal enemies one minute and best friends the next. I don’t know how often the words “I forgive you” are used, but they are practicing forgiveness nonetheless. Adults might not have the same childish fights, but we hurt one another in more sophisticated ways. No one in the family is exempt from being hurt, and no one is exempt from needing to forgive or receive forgiveness. Forgiveness is for everyone, but today I want to focus on the importance of forgiveness between spouses and partners.

 It would seem there is an epidemic of unforgiveness in our society and there has been for some time. The divorce rate for first marriages is 42%, second marriages 60%, and third marriages 75%. The United states has the equivalent of one divorce every 36 seconds. Iowa has the lowest divorce rate in the country, coming in at ¼ the rate of Arkansas. But the statistics are still abysmal. And the effect on individuals and children is devastating.

Divorce is usually the result of layer upon layer of unforgiveness starting with small things that usually grows in frequency and size until the unforgiveness and mistrust is stronger than anything that at one time bound the couple together.

 Let me share a couple lessons about forgiveness from scripture I have learned the hard way.

 First, forgiveness is hard! Forgiving anyone is hard. When we are hurt by the person in whom we have placed our complete trust and made ourselves completely vulnerable. The hurt is deeper, and the forgiveness is more difficult. The intimacy and trust between spouses or partners makes forgiveness twice as hard and four times as important.

In Colossians Paul encourages us to, “Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. “Without forgiveness there is no harmony. Listen to those words “BEAR WITH ONE ANOTHER” “FORGIVE EACHOTHER” “CLOTHE YOURSELVES IN LOVE.” In other words, build your relationship on a foundation of forgiveness. “BEAR WITH ONE ANOTHER” “FORGIVE EACH OTHER” “CLOTHE YOURSELVES IN LOVE.”  Build your relationship on a foundation of forgiveness.

“On her 50th anniversary, a seasoned bride revealed the secret of her long and happy marriage. "On my wedding day, I decided to choose ten of my husband's faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would overlook," she explained. A guest asked her to name some of the faults. "To tell the truth," she replied, "I never did get around to listing them. But whenever my husband did something that made me hopping mad, I would say to myself, 'Lucky for him that's one of the ten.'"    

That’s kind of a presupposition of forgiveness…that foundation of forgiveness…Is foreign to most of us. But remember Paul tells us there is no harmony if there is no forgiveness.

 Our marriages need to be built on a foundation of forgiveness. We need to be in the habit of saying “Lucky for him or her that I am committed to forgiveness.”

  Second, remember that forgiveness is not first and foremost, a gift you give someone else. It is a gift you give yourself. If someone says I’m sorry and asks forgiveness that is less clear but think of the situation when the offender doesn’t ask forgiveness, or doesn’t acknowledge the wrong, is in prison or even has died.

Forgiving those people under those circumstances really does not help them. YOU don’t forgive for them, you forgive so that you can be free of anger, bitterness and hatred. You are choosing not to imprison someone else in the past, so that you mightbe set free today. We don’t forgive for anyone else, we forgive for ourselves.

  Have you ever thought about what the lord’s prayer says about forgiving, “Forgive us our sins AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO SIN AGAINST US? OH-Oh. If we don’t forgive others we are literally praying for God to not forgive us.

Holding on to unforgiveness will kill you. spiritually, but it is more than that. “Unforgiveness, bitterness, and anger are a disease.” Literally, unforgiveness is classified as a disease. Those who hold grudges for years have higher than average rates of cancer,  heart disease, cardiac arrest, elevated blood pressure, stomach ulcers, arthritis, back problems, headaches, chronic pain,  brain hemorrhage, anorexia, bulimia, sleeplessness, and psychological disorders.

Jesus teaches forgiveness to both save our souls and save our lives. Let’s choose not to imprison someone else in the past, so that we might be set free today and for all the todays to come.

  Bart Whitaker lived in Texas. One day an intruder came in the house and started shooting. He and his father were spared, but his mother and brother were killed. The police soon arrested Bart for hiring a hit man to kill his family.

When he went to trial guess who his biggest cheerleader was. Kent Whitaker… Bart’s father who only escaped death by a fluke accident. Bart hired the hit man because he believed his family hated him. He could never live up to their expectations. Kent lost his wife and a son to death, he was about to lose his other son to prison, and still he chose to practice forgiveness. He never stopped advocating for Bart even after being found guilty. During the sentencing phase of the trial, after his father had pled for his son’s life rather than the death sentence, Bart said that the father whom he tried to have killed, had been his best friend for the last year.

Even after Bart was given a death sentence, Kent worked to the best of his ability to convince the parole board to commute the death sentence to life in prison. Bart said goodbye to his father, ate his last meal, was prepared for execution, and 1 hour before he was scheduled to die by lethal injection his father and his new wife were praying, and their prayers were answered with a phone call announcing that the governor had commuted the death sentence. Today they visit Bart in prison regularly.

Asked how he could do that. Kent said, “I escaped death at the hands of the gunmen, but to live with unforgiveness toward my son would have been worse than death.”

  Forgiveness is important for everyone in the family, but especially for marriages and long-term partnerships. I have often thought that the wedding vows should not be “till death do us part” … but “No Matter what.”

We have all been there, on the precipice of thinking our marriage couldn’t survive todays challenge. My depression almost took us there many years ago. But we decided to stick with it no matter what. Maybe one of you fell to temptation with someone outside your marriage. But you can make a choice for forgiveness no matter what. Maybe addiction, or jobs, or the loss of a child, or any number of things have pushed your most intimate relationship to that cliff. If you are still together today, you made a choice or forgiveness “no matter what” If you are on the cliff today, you can still make a choice for forgiveness no matter what.

Peter asked Jesus, “How many times must I forgive? 70 times?” “No,” Jesus said “7 times 70 times. “But don’t stop there… Jesus went all the way to the tomb to offer us forgiveness. You know that Jesus is right. You know that forgiveness does not expire even after we forgive 490 times. Make a choice for your marriage, your partner, your family, and yourself… build your intimate relationship and your life on a foundation of forgiveness.

Let’s practice “I” …” forgive” … “you. “Let’s try one more time. “I” …” forgive” … “you.” See you can say it. Now go do it.