Grieving with Hope: Comforting Those Who Mourn (1109)

Grieving with Hope: Comforting Those Who Mourn                   (1109)

 

Dr. Alan Wolfelt of the Center for Loss and Life Transition is known throughout North American for his compassionate messages about healing in grief.  Alan says he has discovered that in general you can take all the people in your life and divide them into thirds when it comes to grief support.

1/3 will turn out to be truly empathetic helpers.  They will have a desire to understand you and your unique experience of grief.  They will be willing to be involved in your pain and sufferings without feeling a need to take it away from you – fix you or to judge you – rather allow you to feel the very real pain of your loss.

1/3 will turn out to be neutral in their response to your grief.  They will not help you, but they also will not hinder you in your journey of grief.

And 1/3 will turn out to be harmful to you in your efforts to mourn and heal your grief.  It's not they intentionally set out to harm you, but they will judge you and try to take your grief away from you.  In this way, they will pull you off the path to healing.

My goal today, quite honestly, is to move at least a few of you into the category of the first 1/3.  I hope you will leave here with more understanding and better equipped to be - for your family and friends –part of the 1/3 that can be truly empathetic and helpful to those who mourn.

BUT before we can get to that place we need to review some basics about the grief and mourning:

 

Grief and Mourning are not necessarily the same thing.  

•      Grief has been defined as the thoughts and feelings we have inside when we suffer any loss.  This could be the death of someone we love, a health crisis, the loss of a job, moving etc. 

•      Mourning on the other hand is the outward expression of those internal feelings.  Sometimes that is a private thing, such as visiting the cemetery, writing a letter to your loved one, crying, expressing your thoughts and feelings through art or music and observing special anniversary dates that held meaning for the person who died. 

•      Other expressions of mourning are more public – and these too are necessary.  Everyone needs to experience the validation of their loss and their pain.  This "grief gone public" expression of mourning might include the funeral visitation and service, attending a grief support group, holiday remembrances such as the memory tree at the Miracle on Main , memorial walks , particularly those for a "cause" such as Alzheimer's, or cancer.

 

 

You don't GET OVER your loss or your experience of grief.

When your spouse or your child or your best friend, or your parent dies your life is forever changed.  That is a fact.  It is unrealistic then to expect people to "get over" it. 

What we hope for is that, in time and with proper support for the journey, the bereaved can learn to live again with meaning EVEN THOUGH they no longer enjoy the physical presence of their loved one.  Life is forever changed.  "Normal" has been turned upside down and inside out.  There is a new normal now – and adjusting to that new normal takes all the spiritual, emotional and physical energy we have within us.  It is hard work.  That is why we often speak of "the work of grief."  That is why friends and loved ones who know how to support the bereaved are so necessary and so appreciated. 

 

People of faith Grieve and Mourn

If I could change just one thing in this world I would do away with the notion that people of faith shouldn't experience the pain of grief.  That crying or mourning is a sign of spiritual weakness and lack of faith.   

We need only to turn to scripture to see that tears and sorrow are a normal part of the human experience and actually expressive of our need for God and for love and support from one another.

LAMENTATIONS is an entire book in the Bible devoted to the grief and pain of God's people.  The word "lament" means "to mourn aloud" "to wail." 

Last week Terry read a kind of lamenting from the book of Job.  Job had lost literally everything, all his property and wealth, his health, as well as the lives of his children.  (And when he mourned his wife said, "Why don't you just curse God and die?"  She would have been in the 1/3 that was harmful and toxic to Job.)

In _______________________________ David mourns for Jonathan & Saul, who though the son of David's mortal enemy, was closer than a brother and David's dearest friend.

Jesus quoted Psalm 22 when he cried out from the cross "My God, My God, Why have you forsaken me?"  The complete reference is

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me,
so far from my cries of anguish?

This is the cry of one who is in deep grief and pain and spiritual crisis, feeling cut off and abandoned by God. 

The last example comes from John 11, Jesus at the tomb of Lazarus.  Lazarus and his sisters Mary and Martha were among Jesus' closest friends.  When Jesus arrived, Lazarus had already died.  The home and yard were probably swarming with people, friends and professional mourners.  Let us argue that Jesus knew that Lazarus' death was going to be become the occasion for Jesus' greatest miracle yet.  The raising of Lazarus from death would foreshadow Jesus' own resurrection.   Yet, as both sisters came to Jesus in turn, torn apart by their grief, as Jesus moved into the crowd of mourners he was so moved that he broke down and wept. 

An examination of the Greek reveals that Jesus' reaction was a deeply felt-in – the – gut kind of reaction.  His "weeping" was not a dignified wiping aside of a tear on his cheek.  In fact, one translation is that Jesus snorted like a horse – you know the kind of crying we're talking about here.  When you cry so hard and then you suck in a deep breath, so deep that you give an undignified sort of a snort that you never really want anyone else to hear.  That's the kind of grief and pain and tears Jesus experienced at the tomb of Lazarus. 

It is astounding to me, then, that we would somehow think ourselves more faithful, more righteous because we don't allow our feelings of grief to show.  This is completely contrary to the example of our mothers and fathers in the faith and to the example of Jesus himself.  And, this is a uniquely Anglo American attitude. There are many cultures within our own country and many around the world who still value the full expression of the pain of grief.   They weep openly, wail or keen.    They see such mourning as an expression of love and honor for the dead, not as a source of embarrassment or lack of faith. 

So-

There is a difference between grief and mourning.

People don't "get over" the death of someone loved.

And

People of faith grieve and mourn.

What implications do these basics have for the way in which we support and care for the bereaved? 

Offer the ministry of presence.  That you were there – to give a hug, to lend a shoulder, to bring in a meal, to share a tear – In the early days of grief these things mean far more than anything you could ever say. In fact, be quiet.  The truth is there is nothing you can say that can fix the pain or make it go away, so quit trying.  Your continued efforts to make their pain go away are a reflection of your needs and discomfort, not a reflection of their need to mourn.  Most people are not sure what to say anyway.  So we end up quoting old, worn out cliché's that at best will be forgotten and at worst will be offensive.   

It is so much better to say something simple like, "I'm so sorry for your loss" or "I grieve with you"

 And then be quiet! 

Here are a few things that have been said to bereaved persons over the years and their responses:

God needed another little angel in heaven.    "She's my baby.  I need her here."

"Only the good die young."    "And the pedophiles and drug pushers get to live 'til their 80, what kind of justice is that?" 

God never gives us more than we can handle.  "That's a lie, cuz I'm dying inside.  I can't survive this pain and loneliness." 

At least he's out of pain now.  "But I can't breathe.  I can't stand this pain!"

You know he's in a better place.  "But I want him here!"

You're young.  You can have more children, get married again…etc.    "Get out of my face." 

The bereaved likely won't say these things out loud in your presence.  But the responses are authentic.  I hear them all the time in the support groups I facilitate.  And actually, the anger these types of comments incites is such that I can't really quote their responses from the pulpit. 

Please, just be quiet.  And be present.  Your presence is the best ministry and comfort you have to offer in the early days following a death.

Meet them where they are.

Most people working and writing in the area of grief and bereavement no longer talk about "stages" of grief.  Elizabeth Kubler- Ross was a pioneer in our understanding about the grief process but her original work was specific to the grief experienced by terminally ill patients.  For the bereaved, grief is not a set of stages that we pass through and move on from until we reach the end and are "over it."  The feelings of grief hit us like the waves of the ocean, taking us by surprise at times, knocking us off our feet when we least expect it.  Grief is like a tornado, roaring through our lives, tearing up everything in its path leaving chaos behind.  The grief process is three steps forward and two steps back again.

If you are the friend seeking to support a bereaved person you need to be prepared to meet them where they are on any given day.  Don't go into the relationship with any preconceived notions about the "right" way for them to mourn.  Don't judge their feelings, saying with your words or your attitude "You shouldn't feel that way."  Meet them where they are.  One day they may need you to just listen and let them cry or vent their anger.  They may be angry at God. They may be angry at the person who died for leaving them.  They may be angry with the doctors.  They may be angry with themselves.  All the expressions of mourning on this slide are NORMAL.   Under most circumstances, they do require counseling or therapy.  Bereavement is not a disease or mental disorder.  The bereaved need to be free to talk about these feelings, to have all this stuff heard and validated without judgment.

The great paradox of grief is that you must feel it to heal it.  It's the last thing any of us wants to do.  It's the last thing we want to see our friend or loved one going through.  But it is the only way to move forward toward healing and the reconciliation of our mourning.  You can't go over, around or under it.  You have to go through it.   It's the only way to find that new normal and new life of meaning.  So meet them where they are.  Love them and accept them.  And they will be comforted.

Finally, be there for the long haul

Grief and Mourning is the hardest work any of us will ever do and it takes far longer to reconcile our pain – or make our life good again – than most of us would ever imagine.  Most people do not feel that they have made peace with that "new normal" until easily 18 – 24 months after their loved ones death.  Many people report to me that the second holiday season is more difficult than the first, because the first year they have understanding and support from folks but that all disappears the second year.  We don't get over our loss, we learn to live on.  The best friends of the bereaved, the people who are truly supportive and helpful, have no expectation that the bereaved will ever want to quit talking about their loved one; that they will ever remove pictures of their loved one from their home or desk at work; that they will ever stop putting flowers on their loved ones grave; or that they will ever forget the love and life shared with their loved one who died.  The true friend will always be willing to hear the story, speak the name or light a candle 6 months, 6 years or 60 years after the death.    (11:25) (16 minutes)

If you want to carry hope to those who are mourning, follow these words of advice: 

Offer the ministry of your presence and close your mouth.

Meet them where they are and let them freely express all their feelings without judgment or correction.

Be there for the long haul. 

Then the words of Jesus will be fulfilled, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."  

“Facing death with hope” Hard deaths #2

 "Facing death with hope"

Hard deaths #2

10/11/12

 

Can you relate to the spirit of Job's words?  I can. 

Do you understand "months of futility, and nights of misery"[i]

Can you identify with "the anguish of (Job's) spirit, (and) the bitterness of (his) soul?[ii]

Have you ever said, "I despise my life…my days have no meaning."[iii]

I can and I have.  Most of us have at some time in our lives.

Job's words are the sounds of depression.  At any given time, 1 in 10 of us is depressed.  One in ten of you almost didn't come today because you were depressed.  Since Christians are by no means immune to depression, that means statistically ____ people here today are depressed.  Maybe more, maybe less. 

There might be a hundred reasons to be depressed:  from grief, to sickness, to job situations, to family situations, to mistakes we have made.  Depression is a normal part of life.  We don't always like to admit it, but every single person gets depressed from time to time.  Most people come back out of it and go on with their lives.

Others don't.  When depression persists, when there is no discernible reason, when depression is ongoing and recurrent we begin to talk about Clinical depression.  Imagine that you are as depressed you have ever been, and you just never come out of it.  Or you knew when you came out that you would soon be sliding right back into that black hole of depression.  Imagine being depressed more of the time than not.  That is what life is like for those of us who are among the 14.8 Million Americans (that is about 1 out of 12) who suffer from major clinical depression.

Within depression, there are degrees.  We can't measure it like blood pressure, but we talk about a spectrum from very mild to very severe.  In clinical depression, the spectrum runs from disthymia (which is a low-grade persistent depression) to Major Chronic Depression which is the deepest darkest most persistent depression you can imagine.

Again, I want to say, depression caused by situations, and even an occasional down day or two is just part of the total range of human emotions.  Most people experience depression and it doesn't interfere with their life, their relationships, or their job. 

 

In this series on death, we come to a topic that none of us really likes to talk about: suicide.  It is time to break the silence and the whispering, and talk about suicide openly and honestly.

I started with depression because depression is the #1 cause of suicide.  90% of people who take their own life do so in the midst of a long and desperate battle with depression.  Hear me again-- most people who get depressed would never take their own life.  Suicide is not a normal response to stress.  There are risk factors, but even MOST of the people with the risk factors do not attempt suicide.  Researches tell us that "the (greatest) risk for suicide is associated with changes in brain chemicals called neurotransmitters, including serotonin.  Decreased levels of serotonin have been found in people with depression, impulse disorders, a history of suicide attempts, and in the brains of suicide victims."[iv]

To say 90% of people who take their lives are depressed doesn't mean we are all likely to attempt suicide.  1 in ten of us is depressed at any given time.  But only 1 in a thousand will attempt suicide.  And only 1 in 10,000 will complete suicide.  I do not want to portray suicide as normal, or common.  It is not.  It is, however, a reality we must face.  How many of you have been touched by suicide in your life.  Either you contemplated taking your own life, or you know someone who has, or you knew someone who completed suicide.  That is most of us <<half of us???  >>

The place to start, I believe, is knowing that suicide is not normal or common and we have to bust two myths that are almost polar opposites.  The two myths are: (1) We shouldn't talk about suicide, and (2) those who talk about it don't do it.

Think about it… <<<half>>> of us have been touched by suicide in our lives.  Wouldn't it be irresponsible NOT to talk about it?  We are not giving anyone permission or giving anyone ideas.  Remember, research says that the leading risk factor is changes in brain chemistry.  We will not change anyone's brain chemistry by talking about suicide.  In fact, my hope is that if there is someone who might someday consider suicide, that talking about it now, will let them feel less lonely, and they might reach out for help before they hurt themselves.

But we also have to bust the myth that those who talk about it never do it.  Most people, who take their life, have talked about it to someone.  Now you need to know that there is a difference between someone saying, "Sometimes I just want to die" and saying, "I am saving my pills."  Never, ever assume that someone won't really do it.  What I usually do is ask them straight out.  Do you think you might hurt yourself?  And I will ask it 3 or 4 different ways in the same conversation.  Sometimes folks will just say yes and we can get them help.  Other times I read body language looking for hesitation, or signs of an untruth like avoiding eye contact or nervous movements.  If someone is talking about suicide, you need to assume that they are in danger until you get someone; a trained pastor, counselor, paramedic, or doctor can make an assessment.  I have had some training and I still want to err on the side of caution.  Even that is not a guarantee, but could we live with NOT doing everything in our power to help someone who is hurting that much?

          When we talk about suicide, we are not talking about anything new.  That is why I chose the passage from Job today.  He says, "I prefer strangling and death rather than this body of mine."  Now I don't know if he is saying, "Sometimes I really want to die," or if he is saying, "I am about to go hang myself".  The point is that Job at least had suicidal wishes.  His wife advised him, "Job, just curse God and die."  Wasn't that nice?

There are, I think, six accounts of completed suicide in the Bible. In the Old Testament there is  the most famous , King Saul,[v] then there is  Abimelech [vi] who had an armor bearer kill him with a sword rather than let it be said that a woman killed him by dropping the millstone on his head,  Samson[vii] who died at his own hand when he pushed the pillars of the temple aside to kill the Philistines, Ahithophel[viii] who hanged himself, and Zimri[ix] who died in a fire he set himself.

In the New Testament, there is only one: Judas.[x]  Judas hung himself in the potter's field (which, by the way, if you were here two weeks ago, was in the valley of Gehena).  Have you ever wondered what would have happened if Judas would have waited 3 days?  How would things have been different?  Judas might have become the most powerful witness in the history of the faith.  "I betrayed him and he forgave me.  I was dead and now I am alive."

As far as I can tell, the Bible does not explicitly condemn any of these people for taking their life.

In addition to Job's wish for death, I also found Moses, Elijah and Saul asking God to take their lives.  By the way, God doesn't work that way.  There is no such thing as suicide by God who is the God of life.

          There are two lessons from the Scripture study I did.

1.     Depression is the common cold of mental health.  Depression is as common in the Bible as it is in our culture.  What fraction did I say?  1 in 10 are depressed at any given time.  25% will experience a major depressive episode in life.  I found depression in the patriarchs, in the prophets and even in Paul himself.

2.     The second lesson is there is no evidence that suicide means condemnation.  Many people believe (and in fact, it was the official Catholic position for some years) that people who complete suicide go to hell. 

The argument was that suicide is a violation of the 5^th commandment with no opportunity to repent.  You know what?  I think there are many occasions when we sin and are too stubborn to confess and ask forgiveness.  And I further think it presumptions of us to claim to know the exceeding grace of God. 

The official Catholic position, by the way, has changed to one of mercy and non-judgment. 

Bottom line, we don't know, and God doesn't tell us.  Let's leave the speculation there.

 

So what do we do?  37,000 people will take their lives in the US this year.  It is the 3^rd leading cause of death among young people in the US.  Someone dies from suicide every 15 minutes.  We probably can't change that.  I'm sorry to say; those of us sitting in this room cannot change that reality for 37,000 people.  We can, however, make a difference for one person, or maybe two people, whom we might know.  May I give you some suggestions?

1.     We need to change our attitude from one of shock and condemnation to one of love and mercy.  Let's start with our language.  You notice I have struggled today trying not to say "Commit" suicide.  It is hard, but let's start by not criminalizing suicide.  People commit murder and robbery.  Let's talk about "attempting" and "completing suicide," or "taking their own life."  It might seem like a small thing but as our words change, so will our attitudes.

2.     CLICK Don't be afraid to talk about suicide.  Having been there at one time, I believe that those who are contemplating suicide will feel less lonely if they know they can talk to us without shocking us, outraging us, or making us angry.

  I used to say that anyone who tried to take their life was by definition mentally ill.  Many people still take that position.  That may be technically true, or maybe not.  But I no longer say that.  I now believe that suicidal thoughts and actions are not symptoms of mental illness so much as they are symptoms of pain.  They are symptoms of the deepest, darkest, most desperately hopeless pain a person can experience.  We need to be ready to hear and bear their pain with them.

I am not saying that suicide is not scary.  It is.  I have been touched by a few suicides over the years including elderly people, teenagers, and walking in on one in progress.  (We were able to get her help and save her life.)  Suicide is very scary.  But we have to be able to set our own anxiety aside and reach out to the person who is in such deep pain that they can't see the any possibility of getting better.

If you are the one considering suicide talk about it.  No one can help you unless you let us in to know something of the pain you are experiencing.

3.     CLICK If you believe someone is suicidal or may hurt themselves your obligation is to get them help.  Call me, call the sheriff, call their physician, take them to the ER.  You do whatever you need to do to keep them safe, so they can have the opportunity to see that things can change.  Do not leave them alone.  Do not try to talk them out of it.  (Because they will lie to you and you may end up regretting it.)   

Will they be mad at you?  Sometimes.  But it is better to lose a friend than lose a life.  Your only obligation is to keep them safe and get them to where they can get help.

Don't believe that anyone is too young or too old.  Suicide by preteens aged 10-13 have jumped by 76% in recent years.  The elderly make up 12% of the population but they account for 16% of the suicides.  Furthermore, suicide rates go up as age increases with the highest rates being for white men over the age of 85.

Why don't you notice it?  Often because of the age, we assume they died of "natural causes" and out of a sense of embarrassment, families don't correct us.  

4.     CLICK Finally if you are thinking about hurting yourself.  Call someone.  Call a hot line, call a pastor, a friend, a doctor, a counselor, a sheriff deputy.  I know you are not likely to believe me, but there are 100 people out here who do not want to see you die.  And would do anything to help you.

No matter who the person is, even if it is you.  It is our obligation to take the possibility of suicide seriously...

 

Some people believe that if someone is intent on hurting himself or herself they will find a way.  Some time, some place, somehow.  And they may be right, at least to some extent.  The truth is that is we will never be able to guarantee someone else's safety 100%.  So the question becomes how do we cope with suicide when we are left behind.  Suicide is a particularly hard death.

1.     First, we have to know that it is not our fault.  Individuals are responsible for their own decisions and we are not fortunetellers.  Often times people blame themselves, believing that they drove the person to suicide, or should have been able to stop it.  Remember the biggest risk factor is an imbalance of brain chemicals.  Suicide is not usually an attempt to punish someone else.  It is usually a self-centered act.  By that, I mean that they are not thinking of others, but only escaping their current pain.  If they are thinking of their families, they often think that you will be better off without them.  You are not at fault for someone else's suicide.

2.     CLICK Brace for powerful emotions.  I don't know if they are any more powerful than other deaths, but Shock, anger, guilt, and despair will wash over you again and again, as you walk that valley of grief.  Be particularly aware of your own depression and despair, because there is some truth to the idea that one suicide gives legitimacy to the option of suicide as a coping method, and almost validates it for others.  

3.     CLICK Reach out.  Especially if you or someone you know might hurt themselves.  But reach out no matter what.  Raise your hand again if your life has been touched by suicide.  Look around.  Do you see how much help is available just in this room?  But there is even more.  Robyn has made helping you with grief her life's work and ministry.  There are friends, relatives, neighbors, pastors, counselors, therapists and doctors all lined up to help you.  Let them.  Don't try to do it all by yourself.

Perhaps most importantly.  I want to say the same thing I said last week about hard deaths.  Nothing, nothing, nothing can separate you from the great love of God through Jesus Christ.

·        CLICK Neither depression, nor anxiety, nor suicidal thoughts nor trying to hurt yourself can EVER separate you from the great love of God in Jesus Christ.

·        CLICK Neither despair nor darkness, nor pain no matter how deep, can EVER separate you from the love of God in Jesus Christ.

·        CLICK Neither the suicide death of a loved one, nor anger, nor guilt, nor your own pain can ever separate you from the love of God in Jesus Christ.

·         CLICK Nothing nothing nothing --- EVER EVER EVER will separate you from the love of God in Jesus Christ our Lord.  AMEN

---

[i] Job 7:3

[ii] Job 7:11

[iii] Job 7:16

[iv] Arango V, Huang YY, Underwood MD, Mann JJ. Genetics of the serotonergic system in suicidal behavior. Journal of Psychiatric Research. Vol. 37: 375-386. 2003.

[v] 1 Samuel 31:2-5

[vi] Judges 9:50-54

[vii]  Judges 16:23-31

[viii] 2 Samuel 17:23

[ix] 1 Kings 16:15-20

[x] Matthew 27:3-5

Facing Death with Hope: Hard deaths #1

Facing Death with Hope: Hard deaths #1

RUMC October 14, 2012

 

We all know death is hard.  Death is always hard.  It is hard to lose a loved one.  It is hard to imagine going on without them.  It is hard to put our lives back together.  I don't mean to minimize that at all.

I think, however, that there are some deaths that are innately harder on mourners because they are more complicated.

Again, I do not mean to minimize any death.  Any death, under any circumstances is difficult.  Although it seems like at the age of 95, grandma's death should not be a surprise; it still is.  Even though a 60 or 70-year-old man dropping dead of a heart attack is not terribly unusual, it still shocks us.  I am considering those deaths to be "natural" deaths.

We expect those kinds of deaths. Other deaths, however, are more unexpected.  The death of a child for instance, a stillbirth or miscarriage, an accident or a suicide are unanticipated in our minds, and therefore harder for us to accept. Because they fall outside of our normal expectations, we simply aren't quite sure what to do with all the complicating factors and emotions.

So what do we do with those unusual deaths?  I want to address three groups of deaths. I will only get to two types today, but that's OK because I will focus on suicide next week. 

 

 

The first type of unusual death I want to address is stillbirths and miscarriages.   Stillbirths and miscarriages are basically the same thing, with stillbirths happening after the 20^th week of pregnancy and miscarriages happening before.

Stillbirths and miscarriages are not as unusual as most of us think.  In the US, 1 in 7 pregnancies end in miscarriage.  One out of 115 ends in stillbirth.  That is really pretty common. 

The problem is that this is not the way we expect our pregnancies to end.  We are preparing for the joy of a new child and it hardly crosses the parent's mind that death may intrude in this happy time.

Some complicating issues include  

·        Heavy, heavy, guilt, because mothers often blame themselves, even though a miscarriage or a stillbirth is usually neither predictable nor preventable. 

·        And silence.  Most of the time women or couples are completely unprepared for the experience.  Sometimes there is no service because hospitals dispose of the remains.  The couple goes home with empty arms, and often very little support.  When they get home they discover that many people are uncomfortable talking about what happened.  They often feel abandoned.

There are a few things we can do.    

·        The first thing we can do it memorialize their loss.  There is nothing wrong with having a funeral or memorial service after a miscarriage or stillbirth.  Encourage it. 

·        If there isn't a public ritual, you can help by sending a flower or card.  You might make a special point to remember the anniversary of the death.

·        Basically, you can help by treating them like anyone else who has experienced a death.  Take food.  Offer to watch other children.  Sit quietly with them.  Just don't ignore or avoid them.

 

 

Second, abortion is another kind of infant loss, but it is quite distinct from miscarriages and stillbirths. 

Today I am not addressing right and wrong, legal or illegal, funded or not funded aspect of abortion.  The politicians have made such a mess of that, but I guess that is what they do best.

Today I want to think about abortion for a moment from the very personal experience of the mother and father.  I remember a woman in my first church who was just sick all of her adult life.  She went through doctor after doctor, suffered from depression, anxiety, and abused prescription drugs.  She was not young.  She was perhaps 60 years old.  I finally convinced her to try therapy, because I knew whatever was going on inside was more than I could help with.  After some months, she seemed a little better.  Upon visiting her, I learned that the therapist had indeed uncovered something that apparently had been eating her up all of her adult life, and making her sick in 20 different ways.  When she was young, she had sought out an abortion.  Right or wrong, the emotional and spiritual fallout from that difficult decision changes lives.  Now, not everyone who makes the decision to have an abortion experiences the kind of post-traumatic stress that she experienced.  It always, however, leaves a scar.  It always leaves a hole.  A hole which is just aggravated by guilt and shame.

There are really two issues here.  One is the unrealized loss.  People don't think of abortion as a death.  It is.

Second , no matter what a person's view of abortion might be, there is a certain amount of  guilt and shame that comes with getting an abortion.  For some people it comes from inside.  For others it comes from the ongoing discussion or debate in the culture.  Either way, guilt and shame and abortion trauma are real.  And they are hard.

I don't know that there is a lot most of us can do about this loss, in part because it is so private we often don't even know about it. What I do want you to know is that post abortion trauma is real.  It is very hard.

 

The third type of hard death is accidental and premature deaths.  Vehicle accidents, falls, drowning, poisoning, and fires are the 5 leading causes of accidental death.  Just about any death of a child or teenager falls in this category.  Anyone whom we perceive dies prematurely might provide a complication to our grief.  Albert Howard or Sam Gerloff  are recent examples of this kind of loss in our community. 

Complications include.

·        Shock.  Even though we are surprised when Grandma dies, we are shocked when someone dies accidently or prematurely.  This shock can numb us or it can intensify the pain but it is real.

·        Second is blame.  For some reason we feel like we have to blame someone.  We have to blame someone.  We feel guilty blaming the person who died.  Even if it is true.  So we blame someone… we blame anyone.  We blame the guy in the other car, we blame the manufacturer of the ladder; we blame the babysitter with whom we left the child, we blame the mother even though she probably did the best she could, we blame ourselves.  If there is no human to blame we try to blame God.

Let me tell you something. God doesn't need any more angels in heaven.  God never planned that tragic accident to happen.  God doesn't give us a fatal disease to test us.  If anyone tells you something like that, know that they are in a blaming place, and know that this is a very common even normal part of grieving.  Listen quietly and understand that for the time being they are merely protesting because they can't deny it.  They are coping with their shock and grief the best they can in their broken condition.

The same is true when someone says something like "it was his time" as though God determines a fixed number of days in our lives. Again, they are just doing the best they can in their hurt and grief.

You can listen and support them.  That is probably the most important thing.  At times like that, people need to rationalize; they need to explain what happened in a way that makes some sense to them, even if they know that it is not completely true.

Listen to them, but know in your heart that God doesn't work that way.  Our God is a loving and life-loving God.  There is no time when God plans to kill someone before old age.  That is not the way God works.  You may have to go back to Robyn's sermons on the will of God, and remember that God's intentional will is always good.  When accidents happen (and if there were really someone to blame they would not be called accidents-- they would fall into the next category), when accidents happen God's circumstantial will is to seek the best possible outcome in those circumstances.

Accidents and premature death are hard for us to accept.  The two things to remember are that God is still good, and sometimes an accident is just an accident.

 

 

Finally let's talk about  murder, violence and war.  The commonality here is that these are deaths intentional, they are at the hands of another person, and leave terrible scars on everyone involved.

There is never anyone who is prepared for the intentional death of a loved one at the hand of another person.  This is hard, no matter what the circumstances and no matter who you are.

I want to point out a couple of complicating factors, however:

·        Shock, just like an accident or illness.  Even if the dangers are known, as in the case of military personnel in a war zone, there is tremendous shock in finding out that a loved one has died at the hands of another person. These deaths are not accidents and they are not natural and that is shocking.

·        The other complicating factor is blame and forgiveness.  We have seen instances when one life is taken.  Then anger and blame virtually consume another life.  On the other hand, we have also seen instances of almost unfathomable forgiveness, as in the case of the Ed Thomas family.  To forgive or not forgive is the struggle of those left behind in these deaths.  Just like the guilt and shame in the case of abortion, anger and unforgiveness can rob the life from those who are left behind.  The only hope for living on after the death of a loved one at the hands of another person is forgiveness. 

That is a lesson taught to me vividly by a friend named Ed Mutum.  Ed's father had been murdered by Sherman White in downtown Davenport.  After being angry and plotting to avenge his father's death.  After spending years trying to drink his memories away.  Ed became a pastor and eventually decided he had to practice the forgiveness he preached, so he went to the prison where Sherman White was serving a life sentence.  He not only embraced Sherman that day, but also testified on Sherman's behalf in front of the parole board and opened up his home to him when Sherman was released on parole.  Ed did everything he could to help Mr. White get on his feet.  I remember the two of them sitting together in church on Sunday.  I remember Ed describing what a turning point forgiveness was in his life.  Letting go of that need to destroy someone else, and letting go of that desire to destroy himself by drink, Ed found peace.

I am not saying that everyone needs to embrace and house those who have hurt them so badly by killing a loved one.  That is much more than most of us could muster.  I am saying that letting go of the anger-, which is forgiveness, is absolutely essential to our own emotional and spiritual health.  Forgiveness is easier said than done, but it is essential.

 

Next week I want to cover a death that I think is one of the most complicated.  That is suicide.  So tune in next week.

 

Hard, unusual, or complicated deaths are simply a part of life.   We are never ready for miscarriages, stillbirths, abortions, accidents, premature deaths, murders, violent deaths, or war.  Very few of us escape the pall of these hard deaths.  I have given you some ideas of how we make it through each of these deaths.  But there is something more important than all of that.

It comes from Romans 8:38-39.  It is very simple, and very profound.  This passage starts "I am convinced that neither death, nor life… and it ends will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

 "Neither death, nor life… will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

 

No matter what kinds of deaths we experience in this life, nothing can separate you from God.

Miscarriages and stillbirths cannot separate you from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

The trauma of abortion cannot separate you from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Neither can accidental death separate you from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Neither murder, nor violent death, nor anything else in all of creation can ever separate you from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

I'll be the first to admit that grief, especially complicated grief can obscure our vision of God.  It can place a gray mist over our world that is almost impossible for us to penetrate and seemingly traps us in our own ugly little world of blame, and anger, and guilt, and shame, and vengefulness, and bitterness, and rage, and unforgiveness.

When, in your grief, you cannot see God, reach out to those around you.  Reach out to family, friends, counselors and your church.  We are after all, the body of Christ.   When you can't see God reach out and let us support you.  Let us prop you up.  Let us carry you.

And when you are ready let us gently and lovingly remind you… that God has not left you… God will never abandon you.  Nothing, nothing, nothing can ever, ever, ever, separate you from the love of God in Jesus Christ our Lord.

AMEN

Facing Death with Hope: life, death and life

Facing Death with Hope: life, death and life

10/7/2012

 

Today we come to a topic that no one wants to talk about, but about which it seems everyone is asking.  When I asked for questions for the burning questions series, the largest group of questions was about death.  I received questions like, "What happens after we die?"  "Is cremation ok for Christians?"  "What about people who commit suicide?"

I found it interesting that the little bit of  anonymity provided by those slips of paper allowed people to ask questions they might have wondered about, but felt kind of funny asking.  There is no reason, however, to feel funny asking about death.  This is one sermon series that I know, with absolute certainty, applies to each and every one of us in this room.  In fact, each and every person in the world will someday face death.  They say death and taxes… well; there are people who cheat on their taxes.  No one cheats death.

So, we are just going to plunge into this series within a series on death and eternal life.

I am starting today with the foundational sermon on what happens to us after we die.  You can see the map of where the series is going on the screen right now.  Next week hard deaths especially suicide.  Then funerals and rituals.  Then I'll go on retreat, but Robyn will pick up with "comfort those who mourn."  And Harry will teach about heaven.  Finally, after a couple of weeks yet to be determined, we will conclude it with the second coming of Christ and Resurrection.  That's because I wanted to save that topic for Christ the King Sunday.

So, that is where we are going, and I know it will be a wonderful series. 

 

So let's jump right into "Life and death."

In preparation for this, I went back to the basics.  I read every Old Testament passage I could find pertaining to death and what happens after death.  There really are not that many that are helpful.

Here's what I learned:

 

First, death is a natural part of creation.

Human beings are made of earthly stuff.  We are created of the same stuff that makes up the rest of creation.  Dust and water.  Earthly stuff wears out.  Our bodies were not created to last forever.  

Some argue that death didn't come into the world until after the fall of Adam and Eve.  That is not exactly true.  I understand the confusion because I have trouble wrapping my mind around it too.  Death did exist before the fall, however, because God tells Adam "if you eat of the fruit you will surely die.[i]"  For human beings created of the dust of the earth, death is the natural end.  God's promise has to do with Man's relationship to God.  Disobedience would change the divine human relationship forever and, in reality, would be the death of that relationship.

 Death is not the consequence of the fall either.  If we read the sentence that God pronounces on humanity, in the 3^rd chapter of Genesis, we see pain in childbirth, we see brokenness in Adam and Eve's relationship[ii], we see the struggle for life as the "thorns and thistles[iii]" grow in the fields.  Then God says, "By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you shall return.[iv]"

Basically, God says you will have to fight and scrap for the things you need in life.  You'll have to work until you die.  Death is not the curse.  Death is not the punishment.  It is the end of the punishment. The struggle and toil is the punishment.  Death is the relief.

The fact is that nothing that comes from the ground will last forever.  Created things are by definition finite, as contrasted with God who is infinite in all ways.

Dying is just part of living.  And when a creature dies, human or animal, its body immediately begins to deteriorate until it completely returns to the elements from which it came.

 

The second thing I noted is that there is more to living than our physical, finite, created bodies.

In Hebrew, there is also Nephesh and Ruach, which roughly correspond to the Greek words Psuche and Pneuma.  To make a long story short these words correspond to the non-material part of a person.  There appear to be two aspects to this.  Now be careful because these words are all used in a variety of ways and it can be very confusing.  Nephesh and Psuche are often translated "soul."  They roughly correspond to that which makes us alive.  Every living thing has a Nephesh or in Greek a Psuche.  People have it, animals have it, trees and plants have it, I suppose we would even say that amoeba, and the smallest microorganisms have Nephesh or Psuche.  This is what makes living things different from say a rock.  It is not personal.  In other words, it is kind of a life force, rather than being identified with one particular individual.  .  Nephesh or Psuche is the quality of being alive.  Although it is created by God, it is not divine or spiritual.

Notice the soul dissipates after death.  It does not move on to another creature, or another life.  That would be reincarnation, which is completely foreign to the Christian understanding of death. 

 

(PPT CLICK)Ruach and Pneuma, on the other hand are often spiritual.  Fundamentally they both mean wind or breath in their respective languages.  But there is more.  When people were created God breathed into them the breath of life.  The wind of life.  Even though the word Ruach is not used in Genesis 2:7 we see later the concept of the Ruach of God being in people.  Zechariah 12:1 for instance talks about God forming the spirit (Ruach) of man.  You'll recognize Psalm 31:5 because Jesus quoted it on the cross.  "Into thy hand I commit my spirit [ruach]" (Psalm 31:5)

I think the overwhelming Biblical evidence is that there is something unique about humanity and that uniqueness lies in the fact that we were created with a spirit.  Distinct from a soul.  Distinct from all other living things, every human has within them a spirit, or what in our Quaker seminary was called the "spark of the divine."  It is that spark which comes from God and returns to God.

Human beings are more than physical bodies, in fact, we are more than living creatures, and we are, by virtue of the spirit of God in us, fundamentally and uniquely spiritual beings.

 

The third step is to know what happens at death. 

When a creature dies their soul departs, and the body stops functioning in any way. The process of decay takes over.  In that sense death is the opposite of life.  When living, our bodies fight off decay.  They resist, by almost miraculous means, bacteria and parasites and all the other things that go into bodily decomposition.

When the life force- "the soul," leaves the body there is no more living (except in the few cases of resurrection that we see in the Bible.)

The spirit, however, is the portion of us that continues after we die.  I know we use the two terms interchangeably.  I have too, but to be precise it is the spirit that continues after death. 

If you have been following me, you may have figured out by now that theologically animals don't have spirits, and therefore don't live beyond this life.  That includes pets. Theologically speaking, "all dogs do not go to heaven."  Before you rush the stage in protest, though, hear this.  I believe that our understanding of all this is pretty limited, and that we will all find the things we love most when we get to heaven.  So you can make your own call on pets.  Frankly, the Bible just doesn't say.

But you might wonder where does the spirit go?

Have you ever heard of Hades?  That is the Greek word.  The Hebrew parallel is Sheol.

When we die, our Souls depart into nothingness.  Our bodies begin to decay and we are buried.  Our spirit, however, continues to exist in the place of the dead: Sheol or Hades.  I am just going to say Sheol, but you know that Hades is the same thing.

Sheol is not a place of punishment.  It is a place for the dead.  If you believe in an eternal spirit, you have to explain where these spirits go.  Now everybody goes to Sheol.  Righteous, unrighteous, Jew, Greek, Roman, Men, women, children, everyone goes to Sheol.

Later Hebrew thought came to believe that not everyone went to the same place in Sheol.  They begin to talk about the separation of Sheol into a place for the unrighteous and a place for the righteous.

(PPT CLICK )The Unrighteous go to Gehena (or the valley of Hena).  Now Gehena is a literal place just outside the city walls of Jerusalem.  In 2 Chronicles, the priests of Baal sacrificed children in this valley.  Later it became a trash dump with rotting stinking burning trash.  Since our understanding of the afterlife is so limited, they named the place for the unrighteous dead after the worst place they could think of.  Gehena.  Even though this was the worst place they could think of, it was not a place of punishment.  It was merely a place for the unrighteous spirits to hang out.

(PPT CLICK )The righteous, on the other hand (and not necessarily just the righteous Jews) go to paradise, or what is often called the bosom of Abraham.  The name paradise comes from a Persian word, which means "king's gardens."  It conjures up images of the lush private gardens that surrounded palaces.  Gardens filled with beautiful and wondrous things.  It also conjures up images of the Garden of Eden.

We see this division between Gehena and Paradise in the story of the rich man and Lazarus in Luke 16[v].  And we see Jesus promise paradise to the thief who hung on the cross with him.  Upon the thief's profession of faith, Jesus replies, "I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.[vi]"

The tricky part of this is that Paradise, as Jesus understood it is not heaven.  It is the place for the spirits of the righteous dead.  Heaven comes after the resurrection of the dead and the last judgment.  We tend to roll all of that together, thinking it happens immediately at death.  Not so according to the Bible.

The comfort is we know that Jesus is in paradise.  He promised the thief.  "Today you will be with me in Paradise."  Paradise, therefore, will be infinitely better than our lives now.  Now heaven might be infinitely more glorious than paradise, but for that, we will have to wait.  We know that those who call on Jesus… those who believe in his name will be with him in paradise.  And I want to leave it there because that is where Harry will pick up in a few weeks.

 

The last Question I want to address today, doesn't really fit anywhere else.  Can we contact the dead and can they see us?

The only examples of ghostly conversation in the Bible is a divine revelation.  The ghost of Samuel appears to Saul and gives him the word of the Lord.

That is the only example.  IN fact Leviticus specifically forbids necromancy- talking with the dead.

---That being said my conclusion is

·         Is it possible to contact the dead?  Yes.

·         Is it common or approved.  No.

·         And as to whether they can see us… I don't even pretend to undertand what that life will be.  Adam Hamilton has a nice bit of speculation when he says that He doesn't want his mom and dad watchin' everything he does.  But God , being a  proud father, might quite possibly call our loved ones over say during our wedding, or when we are doing something really good, or when we are having a hard time, to say "Hey, come here, and look at this."

Bottom line, there is way more to the spiritual realm than you and I can understand.  People do report very strange experiences that I can't explain.  So the final answer is I don't know.  I guess I'll have to wait to find out on the other side.

 

The truth is this is all speculation.  It is, however, educated speculation, informed by God's revelation in scripture.  But I have never been there, and neither have any of you, so the truth is that it is speculation.  It is the best our little finite human minds can do when we encounter the infinitely divine realities of eternal life.  We use things we can understand like the Hebrews used Gehena to understand the place for the unrighteous spirits.  We use golden streets, and angel choirs to describe our vision of heaven.  The truth is that paradise and then heaven will be so much more than we could ever imagine or describe while we are on this side of death.

Therein lies our hope.

(PPT CLICK)But therein also lies our challenge.

·         (PPT CLICK)As we stand before the mysteries of life and death and life, we are challenged to humbly bow and confess that these things are too wonderful for our minds or our lips.  We cannot understand them.  To think otherwise and argue about them is ridiculously self-righteous.  Humble thanksgiving is the proper attitude as the servant of God approaches these glorious realities.

·         (PPT CLICK)As we stand before the mysteries of life and death and life, we are challenged to look above the pain and suffering, the injustice and brokenness of this world to the life that is to come.  We must work to bring the kingdom of heaven to be a reality on this earth, but until the Kingdom comes in all of its glory, we keep our eyes on the hope and not despair (No matter how dim that hope may seem)

·         (PPT CLICK)And finally, as we stand before the mysteries of life and death and life we are challenged to (borrowing my favorite phrase from the funeral service) we are challenged to "live as one who is prepared to die, so that when we die we will go forth as one who is prepared to live."[vii]  Paul says, "If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord.  So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord"[viii]

 

 

 

 

---

[i] Gen 2:17

[ii] 3:16

[iii] 3:18

[iv] 3:19b

[v] Luke 16:19–31

[vi] Luke 23:43

[vii] UM Service of Death and Resurrection

[viii] Romans 14:8