Building block- forgiveness – partner priority June 30, 2019 FUMC

Building block- forgiveness – partner priority

June 30, 2019 FUMC

Let’s try something. Repeat after me. “I” …” forgive” … “you. “Let’s try one more time. “I” …” forgive” … “you.” Wow. You did great. For many people those 3 simple words are the hardest words to say.

I don’t mean it is hard to pronounce like elephant, cinnamon, spaghetti, or Gyro. No, this speech problem comes from somewhere deep inside of us.

Maybe it is our gut where we like to hold a grudge.

Maybe it is our brain that says, “they hurt me and that’s it.”

Maybe it is our ego that wants to feel superior by holding this wrong over someone’s head.

Wherever the problem is, “I forgive you” are some of the hardest words in the English language. And too often they get stuck in our throats and never get said.

You have heard me say that communications is the most important thing in a marriage and family. And the most important communication is “I forgive you.”

Jesus said, “where 2 or 3 are gathered in my name there I am in their midst.” I say that is a good thing because sooner or later someone’s feelings are going to be hurt. Sooner or later forgiveness will be required.

Today I am talking about the 2nd to last building block of Christian families: Forgiveness. Everyone in the family needs to learn to forgive and receive forgiveness. Most of us have refereed a children’s fight and said, “now, say you are sorry.” That is an important lesson. For Children to learn. Junior high is a hyper-dramatic age where youth can be mortal enemies one minute and best friends the next. I don’t know how often the words “I forgive you” are used, but they are practicing forgiveness nonetheless. Adults might not have the same childish fights, but we hurt one another in more sophisticated ways. No one in the family is exempt from being hurt, and no one is exempt from needing to forgive or receive forgiveness. Forgiveness is for everyone, but today I want to focus on the importance of forgiveness between spouses and partners.

 It would seem there is an epidemic of unforgiveness in our society and there has been for some time. The divorce rate for first marriages is 42%, second marriages 60%, and third marriages 75%. The United states has the equivalent of one divorce every 36 seconds. Iowa has the lowest divorce rate in the country, coming in at ¼ the rate of Arkansas. But the statistics are still abysmal. And the effect on individuals and children is devastating.

Divorce is usually the result of layer upon layer of unforgiveness starting with small things that usually grows in frequency and size until the unforgiveness and mistrust is stronger than anything that at one time bound the couple together.

 Let me share a couple lessons about forgiveness from scripture I have learned the hard way.

 First, forgiveness is hard! Forgiving anyone is hard. When we are hurt by the person in whom we have placed our complete trust and made ourselves completely vulnerable. The hurt is deeper, and the forgiveness is more difficult. The intimacy and trust between spouses or partners makes forgiveness twice as hard and four times as important.

In Colossians Paul encourages us to, “Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. “Without forgiveness there is no harmony. Listen to those words “BEAR WITH ONE ANOTHER” “FORGIVE EACHOTHER” “CLOTHE YOURSELVES IN LOVE.” In other words, build your relationship on a foundation of forgiveness. “BEAR WITH ONE ANOTHER” “FORGIVE EACH OTHER” “CLOTHE YOURSELVES IN LOVE.”  Build your relationship on a foundation of forgiveness.

“On her 50th anniversary, a seasoned bride revealed the secret of her long and happy marriage. "On my wedding day, I decided to choose ten of my husband's faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would overlook," she explained. A guest asked her to name some of the faults. "To tell the truth," she replied, "I never did get around to listing them. But whenever my husband did something that made me hopping mad, I would say to myself, 'Lucky for him that's one of the ten.'"    

That’s kind of a presupposition of forgiveness…that foundation of forgiveness…Is foreign to most of us. But remember Paul tells us there is no harmony if there is no forgiveness.

 Our marriages need to be built on a foundation of forgiveness. We need to be in the habit of saying “Lucky for him or her that I am committed to forgiveness.”

  Second, remember that forgiveness is not first and foremost, a gift you give someone else. It is a gift you give yourself. If someone says I’m sorry and asks forgiveness that is less clear but think of the situation when the offender doesn’t ask forgiveness, or doesn’t acknowledge the wrong, is in prison or even has died.

Forgiving those people under those circumstances really does not help them. YOU don’t forgive for them, you forgive so that you can be free of anger, bitterness and hatred. You are choosing not to imprison someone else in the past, so that you mightbe set free today. We don’t forgive for anyone else, we forgive for ourselves.

  Have you ever thought about what the lord’s prayer says about forgiving, “Forgive us our sins AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO SIN AGAINST US? OH-Oh. If we don’t forgive others we are literally praying for God to not forgive us.

Holding on to unforgiveness will kill you. spiritually, but it is more than that. “Unforgiveness, bitterness, and anger are a disease.” Literally, unforgiveness is classified as a disease. Those who hold grudges for years have higher than average rates of cancer,  heart disease, cardiac arrest, elevated blood pressure, stomach ulcers, arthritis, back problems, headaches, chronic pain,  brain hemorrhage, anorexia, bulimia, sleeplessness, and psychological disorders.

Jesus teaches forgiveness to both save our souls and save our lives. Let’s choose not to imprison someone else in the past, so that we might be set free today and for all the todays to come.

  Bart Whitaker lived in Texas. One day an intruder came in the house and started shooting. He and his father were spared, but his mother and brother were killed. The police soon arrested Bart for hiring a hit man to kill his family.

When he went to trial guess who his biggest cheerleader was. Kent Whitaker… Bart’s father who only escaped death by a fluke accident. Bart hired the hit man because he believed his family hated him. He could never live up to their expectations. Kent lost his wife and a son to death, he was about to lose his other son to prison, and still he chose to practice forgiveness. He never stopped advocating for Bart even after being found guilty. During the sentencing phase of the trial, after his father had pled for his son’s life rather than the death sentence, Bart said that the father whom he tried to have killed, had been his best friend for the last year.

Even after Bart was given a death sentence, Kent worked to the best of his ability to convince the parole board to commute the death sentence to life in prison. Bart said goodbye to his father, ate his last meal, was prepared for execution, and 1 hour before he was scheduled to die by lethal injection his father and his new wife were praying, and their prayers were answered with a phone call announcing that the governor had commuted the death sentence. Today they visit Bart in prison regularly.

Asked how he could do that. Kent said, “I escaped death at the hands of the gunmen, but to live with unforgiveness toward my son would have been worse than death.”

  Forgiveness is important for everyone in the family, but especially for marriages and long-term partnerships. I have often thought that the wedding vows should not be “till death do us part” … but “No Matter what.”

We have all been there, on the precipice of thinking our marriage couldn’t survive todays challenge. My depression almost took us there many years ago. But we decided to stick with it no matter what. Maybe one of you fell to temptation with someone outside your marriage. But you can make a choice for forgiveness no matter what. Maybe addiction, or jobs, or the loss of a child, or any number of things have pushed your most intimate relationship to that cliff. If you are still together today, you made a choice or forgiveness “no matter what” If you are on the cliff today, you can still make a choice for forgiveness no matter what.

Peter asked Jesus, “How many times must I forgive? 70 times?” “No,” Jesus said “7 times 70 times. “But don’t stop there… Jesus went all the way to the tomb to offer us forgiveness. You know that Jesus is right. You know that forgiveness does not expire even after we forgive 490 times. Make a choice for your marriage, your partner, your family, and yourself… build your intimate relationship and your life on a foundation of forgiveness.

Let’s practice “I” …” forgive” … “you. “Let’s try one more time. “I” …” forgive” … “you.” See you can say it. Now go do it.

Family of creation (at Swan Lake Park) 6/23/2019

 

  In our synthetic, walled-in, air-conditioned existence, where can we find the things of creation? Many of us work in climate controlled, artificially lit, cubicles. We eat a lunch that is so processed that it probably doesn’t look much like it did when it came out of the ground or from the feed-lot. We hurry to our dual climate-controlled cars to drive home, pull in the garage and shut the door behind us, so we can get into our climate-controlled homes. We don’t even take time to notice the beauty of the roses blooming by the front sidewalk. For either safety or convenience, we take our kids to indoor playgrounds, concrete swimming pools, specially surfaced tracks. Unless you are a farmer, gardener, postal carrier, or construction worker your closest connection to the weather may be the 10 o, clock news.

Psalm 121 says “I lift up my eyes to the hills.” Often, we lift up our eyes to see stoplights or a ceiling we have been meaning to paint.

Jesus said, “consider the lily of the field.” Do we, or do we breeze past them on the interstate?

If that does not sound like you… good for you! I’m guessing, however, that most of us can connect to something I said. If you can let’s make some changes.

  Beyond the individual level, humanity has used and abused the earth.

165 million tons of plastic are floating around the ocean.

The air is polluted

The landfills overflow with material that could be recycled

I lived on the Mississippi River for 12 years and you couldn't pay me enough to swim in Minneapolis’ and Dubuque, and Clinton’s sewer.

Our chemicals are polluting the land and water.

I’ve seen strip mines in Tennessee and the earth will never be the same again.

Habitats like rainforests are being pushed back for “civilization” or precious resources, which is putting a squeeze on the species who are becoming extinct at an alarming rate.

We kick climate change around like a political soccer ball to meet our own agendas.

You get the picture, don’t you?

Genesis is like our ancestry DNA report. I wanted to read the whole first chapter because we need the whole picture. (Just a note, if you wondered where Adam and Eve were, there are 2 creation stories with different messages for us. You will find Adam and Eve in chapter 2 of Genesis).

You heard how the creator God, whom we call father, started with nothing and created all that there is. Out of the divine imagination, and by God’s powerful and active word, all that we see and have was created.

Who but a wildly creative God could imagine all the kinds of insects and fish and monkeys and every other creature and then tie them together?

Our breathing depends on the elm trees that left drifts of helicopters in my yard this spring.

Our eating depends on the weather and how the crops grow and the existence of the food creatures like cows and pigs.

Without the sun exactly where it is, we would either boil or freeze.

Without hawks who would eat the bats? Without bats what would eat the mosquitoes? Without mosquitoes… OK, I can’t think of anything good Mosquitoes do. But you get the idea.

That is what I mean when I say that all of creation is one big family.

  Perhaps one of the greatest teachers for the family of all creation is St. Francis of Assisi.

St Francis lived in the 12th century, during a pretty affluent period and he grew up in an affluent family. He was known for his conspicuous consumption and extravagance.

In his 20’s he began to hear the call of God. “Go, Francis, and repair my house, which as you see is falling into ruin.” Francis took this message very literally at first and gave up all he had (including some of this father’s possessions which he sold for funds) to repair a few churches that lay in ruins. He wed himself to “Lady Poverty” in order to remain focused on his ministry of rebuilding churches.

He soon realized that God’s house was actually God’s household or oikos, from the Greek root “eco” from which we get our word ecology.

 Gradually, Francis saw that God’s household consisted not only dilapidated church buildings, but also included are poor brothers and homeless sisters, sister robin, brother squirrel, the deer twins, brother fish in the pond, and mother earth beneath our feet.

He realized that he shared this home with brother moon, sister sun, brother stars, sister water, brother fire, sister flowers, children, elders, and even “sister bodily death.” All who shared this home, Francis called brother and sister.

 When Francis would come on a vast field of flowers, he would preach to them and teach them to praise God as if they could understand his words. He would likewise preach to cornfields, vineyards, stones, fields, springs of water, green plants in gardens, earth, fire, and water teaching them to praise and love God our father.

I want us to take that spirit of Saint Francis and celebrate the family of creation with him and with all creation.

  Let me tell you a story brothers and sisters. And I’ll need your help.

1.           The great father looked around and besides the light in him. There was nothing. Darkness, void, absence of anything. So, God said “Let there be light” and there was. There would be dark times and light times. The dark times he called (brother day) and the dark times he called (brother night) That was day one.

2.           On the next day, God created something wet that was necessary for all living things we call that (sister water), and he separated the water into two parts the upper and the lower waters and between was the stuff we breathe that we call. (Brother air) and that was the second day.

3.           On day three God gathered sister water together into the biggest bodies of water in the world that we call (brother sea and sister ocean) When he did that the great creator could see some solid stuff on which we stand the build our houses. It was all shaped like a ball and we call that ball (sister earth). God sat back and looked at what he had done and laughed, “it is good!”

 God decided he was having so much fun making the family of creation to work overtime that day and he made plants and trees like (brother/sister…) And that was the third day.

4.           Then God looked at the day and the night and put two great big balls in the sky one ruled the day her name was (sister sun) and the other ruled the night. We call him (brother moon). Finally, God sprinkled all the twinkling things in the night sky which we call (brothers and sisters stars)It just kept getting better and better and God was very pleased and he said: “It is good!” That was the 4th day.

5.           In the morning God said “let there be things that swim in the water like (brother fish) and let there be things that fly in the air like…(sister birds) That was enough for that day which was day 4.

6.           The next day God got up very early and started making things to walk, hop, gallop, slither, run, prance and stand the earth like (brother of sister name animals) God laughed at the platypus and the giraffe and wondered at all the amazing animals and said “This is what I wanted… it is good but something is missing.” He thought and thought…

 Then he realized… there were lots of creatures to love, but none could love him back. So, God said, let’s make people-- kind of like me… people who can love me as much as I love them. So, God created people like (brother and sister sitting in the congregation) God put them in charge of taking care of creation and walked all the way around looking at creation from every side and said… yes… this is very cool. That was day 6

7.           On the 7th day, God looked at creation and it seemed complete. The home he had created was full and IT WAS GOOD. And he was tired… so he said today is my sabbath and I am not doing any more work. He took a walk around creation, took a nap on a cloud, and enjoyed delicious fruit with his new family of creation.

YOU… AND YOU… AND YOU… AND I are all part of the family of creation as is that tree and that lake and this grass, and the grasshopper over there, and the deer secretly watching us from the woods. We are all part of God’s creation.

The challenge in our lives is twofold

  First, How do we reconnect with our creation family? In an urbanized, computerized, fast pace lifestyle; It has to be on purpose. Here are some ideas.

•            Tonight, step outside and stare at the sky — even a tiny patch of sky … that is one of my favorite things.

•            Instead of watching Netflix or scrolling through Facebook tomorrow afternoon, load up the family, pack a snack, and take a walk!

•            Get a birding book and keep track of the birds you see. Or plants or trees or whatever you like.

•            Small children love nature. Learn to love it from them.

•            Dig in the mud.

•            Watch an anthill.

•            Hold a snail in your hand.

•            Lie on a blanket and watch clouds float past.

•            Notice seasonal changes.

•            Watch flowers bloom, flourish, fade, and develop seeds.

•            Read Job 39, then visit a zoo to appreciate the wide range of animals God created

•            Consider gardening at some level.

•            Plan a vacation that includes a natural wonder you rarely see — geysers, hot springs, caves, mountains, waterfalls, canyons, icebergs, or oceans.

•            Install a birdbath or hang a bird feeder and keep it filled.

•            Admire your family, both the family of creation and your children, siblings, parents, partners and especially if there is a baby in the house. How precious they are.

  The second challenge is how do we care for this creation God has given us?

Pollution, chemical runoff, erosion, groundwater contamination, antibiotics showing up in rivers and lakes.

But balance that against the value of the goods produced, the crops that are grown, the habitat we create, the lives antibiotics save.

Look at climate change… whether you believe it is a natural cycle or man-made we have to deal with the weather extremes, the flooding, melting polar caps and all the rest.

Consider your own footprint. How can you have less of an impact on the environment?

Can you walk more and drive less?

Can you recycle more?

Can you learn about soil conservation?

Can you grow some of your own food

Plant a tree

Can we cut down on Styrofoam at the church… oops, now I’ve gone to meddling haven’t I. I’ll quit there.

If we are seriously going to be part of God’s family of creation with both the bees and the buffalo, don’t we have a responsibility to do something... So do something… do anything.

anything to reconnect with creation

Anything to care for creation.

Start at least one thing this week and try to keep it going for the whole summer and you will have taken a big step in being a great brother or sister in this amazing family of creation.

Rule of Respect June 16, 2019 First UMC, Carroll

Rule of Respect

June 16, 2019

First UMC, Carroll

 My father taught me everything I needed to know.

My Father taught me LOGIC: "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the swimming pool later,"

My Father taught me MEDICINE: "If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way." And the famous cure-all “Rub some dirt on it”

My Father taught me TO THINK AHEAD: "If you don’t pass your spelling test, how will you ever get a good job!"

My Father taught me HUMOR: "When that lawn mower cuts off your foot, don’t come running to me."

My Father taught me about GENETICS: "I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!"

My Father taught me about the WISDOM of AGE: "When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My Father taught me about PATIENCE: “Just wait until we get home.”

And the all-time favorite thing my Father taught me, JUSTICE: "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you’ll see what it’s like!"

I’m joking, of course. But my father did teach me so much… he died 4 years ago August and I miss him very much. Treasure your fathers while you have them.

 I have another Building Bock for Christian Families this week. I chose Father’s Day to talk about respect because most people think that the Bible’s instructions on respect are all based on the fifth commandment: “Honor Your Father and Mother”. We see that reflected in many scriptures

•            Ephesians 6:1-4    Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”

•            Colossians 3:20  Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.

•            Proverbs 23:22  Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old.

•            Leviticus 19:32  “You shall stand up before the gray head and honor the face of an old man, and you shall fear your God: I am the Lord.

•            Exodus 21:17  “Whoever curses his father, or his mother shall be put to death.

•            Deuteronomy 27:16 “‘Cursed be anyone who dishonors his father or his mother.’ And all the people shall say, ‘Amen.’

The Hebrew word used for honor – as in honor your father and mother- means to give weight. The image being of a scale… that being your parents or being your elders, they get some extra weight to tip the scales toward honoring them rather than dishonoring them. Giving them the benefit of the doubt.

 That’s all fine and good. But there are other scriptures… honestly not as many, but they are there that turn the tables. One is our Ephesians passage today.

It starts out just as you might expect. “Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  “Honor your father and mother”—this is the first commandment with a promise: “so that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.”

OK kids, teens, step children, adoptive children, adult children… that is your job to respect parents, grandparents, elders of all kinds because that is the right thing to do.

Elders, that spells out our rights, right?  But with every right comes a responsibility. If you expect to be treated with that kind of respect you also must go onto the next verse.  “And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Hmm fathers and mothers of all kinds, grandparents, caretakers, teachers, Sunday school teachers, pastors: this is the one for us.

“Do not provoke your children to anger.”

I don’t know about you, but when one of the kids pushes my buttons, my instinct is to push back. Robyn accuses me of adding fuel to the fire when one of the kids, or today Noah, does something I tend to react rather than respond. That does not work all that well for my family.

You know, it’s things like if Noah doesn’t want to go somewhere, my instinct is to say something like, “Well you can stay home, but I’m taking your Xbox with me so don’t plan to play with that while we are gone.

You see what she means? I’m trying to get him to comply, but really, I’m provoking him. (adding fuel to the fire.) Now I will say in my defense when we confront a big issue I can be as cool and reasonable and supportive as anybody.  It is the day to day little stuff that pushes my buttons.

Paul writes don’t be like that. Don’t pour fuel on the fire. Don’t provoke them.

Then Ephesians goes on to shed light on where Paul is coming from. “Slaves obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, in singleness of heart, as you obey Christ; not only while being watched, and in order to please them, but as slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart.  Render service with enthusiasm, as to the Lord and not to men and women, knowing that whatever good we do, we will receive the same again from the Lord, whether we are slaves or free.

“And, masters, do the same to them. Stop threatening them, for you know that both of you have the same Master in heaven, and with him there is no partiality.”

Did you catch that? Slaves obey your earthly masters… as you obey Christ.

Masters, do the same to them, stop threatening them… and here is why… both of you have the same Master in heaven and with him there is no partiality.

 What is Paul saying?  Paul’s logic is pretty simple. Working from the bottom of the passage up, he is saying

1. we are all precious and beloved children of God.  And God does not love the master more than the slave, or the parent more than the child, or the pastor more than the people. We all have the same master and with God there is no partiality.

2.  God treats each of us with love and respect.

Then, in this passage which s fundamentally on respect, Paul says we are to 

3.  treat one another as God treats us. How is that? Without partiality…

4. Therefore, we are to treat all people with love and respect.

And then still working from the bottom up, we see Paul apply this specifically to slaves and masters, and masters and slaves. To parents and children, and to children and parents.

No matter what your role in the family. No matter what your relationship to the other person. We are to treat them with respect.

 This is a corollary to “love your neighbor as yourself. // Or Do unto others as you want them to do unto you. // Or to turn that around you get the harvest principle, from Galatians 6:7: “whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.”

You want your employees to respect you, you respect them.

You want your students to respect you, you first must respect them.

You want the neighbors to respect you, first you must respect them.

You want the clerk and dollar General to respect you, well first you must respect them.

If you want your children to respect you… what do you have to do… respect them

And children, if you want your parents to respect you… what do you have to do.

And teenagers… I know this is a tough lesson, if you want your parents to show you respect… what do you have to do.  That’s right show them respect.

This rule of respect kind of builds on the last sermon I preached here about modeling.

Your family will only be as respectful to you as you are to them.

BUT IT IS A TWO-WAY STREET it is true for parents, for kids, for teens, for grandparents and everyone else.  If we don’t understand that, our relationship deteriorates to the lowest common denominator of barely tolerating each other.

The principle is a very important one for marriage too. In the preceding chapter of Ephesians Paul writes, “Wives, be subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord.”

But this is two way also… “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

If you treat your spouse rudely, or use words that sting, or put them down, or tease them mercilessly… what can you expect?... certainly not respect.

If you serve your spouse, or partner or fiancée or boyfriend or girlfriend, if you hold their hand, if you offer to help them, if you say kind and affirming things, if you give them gifts, if you give them time… you will receive love and respect. Emmerson Eggrichs has written a book called THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE AND RESPECT in which he argues that women crave love and men crave respect… that is true as far as it goes, but every person wants to be and frankly deserves to be treated with love and respect.

So how do you develop a respectful household?

 Follow along on your insert or on the screen.

R is Respect God. That is the fundamental relationship in each Christian’s life. Love the Lord your God with all your heart soul mind and strength. You shall have no other gods but me, God says at the beginning of the 10 commandments. Worship is a way of showing respect. So, respect God.

E is for an Environment of respect at home. You know from our talk about modeling that our behavior is contagious. Because I tend to speak about politicians disrespectfully my children and grandchild tend to do the same. On the other hand, because I speak about our neighbors, or the poor, or teachers respectfully they will tend to speak respectfully.  In all your language look to create an environment that nurtures respect in each other.

S stands for Support self-respect. It is pretty hard to respect others if we don’t respect ourselves. Many of us have a bad habit of saying self-deprecating things about ourselves. One of mine is “I guess I can’t do anything right.” Guess what one of Noah’s go to phrases is when he is in trouble.  Yep… our words come around to bite us. We have to support an environment that builds each person up, so they will have self-respect.  That will actually be the topic of the last building block.

P stands for Promote mutual respect between adults. You may have observed that divorce seems to run in families. It is a fact that children of divorced parents have a higher rate of divorce themselves. In spite of a very interesting 2017 Swedish study that argues for a genetic basis for divorce , Most experts say that children who see their parents struggling to manage conflict or lacking the necessary commitment for marriage, grow up to internalize that behavior and replicate it in their own relationships. When I am counseling couples before marriage one of the most interesting questions is,  :How do you want your marriage to be like your parents. And what do you want to do differently in your marriage.” Our parents are our primary role models and we will tend to have relationships like we have seen.

E is for Encourage mutual respect for everyone- parents and children, children and children, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and yes… even the in-laws.  You have to practice respect for your in-laws too. Everyone needs to be respected and learn to respect others.

C is for Consider,  that  “what you sow is what you reap.” If people treat you badly, ask yourself how you contribute to that. If you keep losing jobs, ask yourself how you might be sabotaging yourself.  What great models you could be if when you hit a rough patch instead of blowing it out of proportion, you might say something like “That felt unloving is there something I did to cause you to feel disrespected?  Scow those kinds of seeds of respect and see what comes back.

Finally, T is for Teach by word and example.  Probably don’t need to say much more.  We have talked about modeling several times. Just remember that we are all teachers. Not just what we say, but what we do.

The building block of RESPECT makes all the difference in our families.

I started by talking about my dad. I wish you could have al known him. I have often said, if I could be ½ the man he was I will be accomplishing something. But it was not a one-way respect. He often affirmed me and praised me, he always supported me even when he told me that I was making a poor decision he could make it feel supportive. 2 weeks before he died. Al the family was back, and we didn’t know how long dad would have. So, some of us took the opportunity to have a private moment with him to tell him how much we loved him. His response to me means the world to me.  And in the last 4 years I have often longed to hear him say it just one more time. He looked me in the eye and said, “I’m proud of you boy.”  I always knew it, but for him to chose words of pride and respect as the most important message he had before he died meant so much.

 For my part I have tried to tell my kids more often that I am proud of them. I still have a ways to go. None of us is perfect. None of us loves our family perfectly. But in his masterpiece  Anna Karenina  Tolstoy writes, “Respect was invented to cover the empty place where love should be.” Think about that… none of us loves perfectly but choosing to build your family with love and respect can make all the difference in the world.

“Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice. Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice. Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.” 

Building blocks of Christian famiy: rule of respec 6/9/2019t

When Amber was about 4 years old, Robyn and I were co-pastoring 2 churches South of Waterloo.  One morning she had toast and grape juice with her breakfast. We were all sitting there, and she started dipping her bread in her grape juice and eating it saying, “body of Christ.” That might have been weird for any other kid but being brought up in a parsonage and often seeing mom and dad serve communion it was natural for her to imitate us.

Richie, on the other hand, apparently was more interested in watching us clean house so he developed an uncanny nose for the broom closet wherever we went. He was just a little guy, but he would find a broom and make himself at home sweeping the floor.

              My dad was a mechanic when I was young. I remember my brother and me “fixing” our bikes over and over and over. We were imitating dad.

There was a famous experiment called the Bo-Bo doll experiment. Researchers discovered that children treated the inflatable doll they called “BO-BO” the same way the adults did. Children who watched an adult become aggressive with the beat up the doll. Children who watched adults treat the doll kindly did the same.

Children are not the only ones who learn from modeling.

There’s the old story about the woman who cut off the end of the ham before he baked it. When her daughter asked why, she said, “I don’t know, that’s how my mom did it.” When the girl checked with grandma, she said the same thing. Finally, the girl talked to great grandma and asked why she cut the end of the ham before cooking it. The answer was simple. Great-grandma said, “Because I only had a small pan and that’s the only way it would fit.” Much of what we learn we learn by watching someone who is important to us model the behavior.

Steve DeVore has built a multi-million-dollar company out of role modeling. When DeVore was in college, he happened to watch a bowling tournament on television. As he paid close attention to the movements of the bowlers, the thought struck him that if he could do exactly as they did, he could probably achieve the same results. After watching the bowlers closely for thirty minutes, he got in his car and drove to the local bowling alley. He got an alley, picked out a ball, and for the next thirty minutes he did exactly as the professional bowlers had done on TV. He threw nine straight strikes and recorded a score of 278. His highest score up to that point was 163. By copying a proficient role model, he improved his performance by 115 pins. (Your results may vary, I’m pretty sure mine would.) But the key was to do it exactly as the pros he had watched. His company is called Sybervision and they produce and sell instructional video and audio tapes on everything from golf to skiing to weight control. 

 With all of that in mind I want to ask you a question.  If your life was an instructional video and everyone watched it as closely as Amber watched us, or we watched my dad, or Mike DeVore watched the bowlers, and then they did exactly as you do, What kind of place would the world be?

Would you want to live in that world?

 Maybe more importantly for our series on the building blocks of Christian families is, if everyone in your family studied the video and became a “mini you” … would you want to live in the same house with them?

 If not… maybe you better think about the life you are modeling for your family.

Our series of sermons on the building blocks of Christian families continues this week as we talk about the importance of modeling. Last week we talked about our words and the power of listening. Novelist James Baldwin once said, however, that “Children have never been good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”  I would add for good or for ill. And I would add it is not just children. We all learn from those around us. We learn what words are OK and how to handle emotions like anger or frustration. We learn how to be a parent doing as our parents did (or sometimes doing the opposite and we learn what is important in life by watching our grandparents.

You know that DNA inside of us is a major factor in determining who we are, but the role models that surround us is just as important.  It is the old nature versus nurture argument.  And the final answer to that argument is YES both nature (the way we are born) and nurture (the experiences we have) make us who we are. When I talk about role modeling, I am talking about understanding that what we do is shaping the lives of those around us, especially anyone who looks up to us, such as children and youth.

Some parents have leaned on Proverbs 22, that we read this morning. “Train children in the right way, and when old, they will not stray ” We should all know better than to take that at face value, I hope. Ask Joan Becker whose son, Mark, murdered Coach Ed Thomas. No, Proverbs is not a guarantee, it is an observation that our children are likely to do as we do.

1.              For more specifics we turn to Deuteronomy 11:18-21 which we used several weeks ago, “So commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these words of mine” The Hebrews believed the heart was the seat of our action. Wholeheartedly, then, means your whole life, from beginning to end, inside to outside, top to bottom

2.              “Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders.” These are external signs, that remind us that people are watching. Like when I wore my nametag into subway this week, I was aware that the way I treated the lady behind the counter would reflect on all of us.

3.             “Teach them to your children. and your spouse and your partner, and your siblings, and your foster parents, and your whoever is in your family. Teach the way of God to everyone you encounter and the best way to teach is using your life as a visual aid.

4.              “Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up.”  Modeling is a 24 hour – 7 days a week job. There is always someone watching. I don’t mean that in a creepy way, just that there are no coffee breaks in being a Christian role model.

The new testament is clear that our actions speak loudly to others. Paul calls us ambassadors for Christ, 1 John tells us to love others because God has first loved us. The great commission, Pentecost. Jesus tells us to take up your cross and do as I do. He tells us that he is the vine and we are the branches.  And the list could go on and on.

These images are interesting because if you dig behind the various Greek words often translated as “example” we see some interesting things. One is a scientific term that basically calls us specimens of God’s kingdom. Another Greek word has to do with shadows. That we are to be shadows of Christ doing exactly as he does. Another means stamped… Kind of like we are all cut out of the Jesus shaped cookie cutter.  And finally, another means to write under. We are to practice being Christlike by “writing under” him like a child practices penmanship by copying the example letters from one line to the line below.

 As neat as those word pictures are, the image for Christian modeling that caught my imagination was being “the light of the world” that we read this morning. Jesus says, “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead, they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.”  We could translate that everyone in the family.

Do you cast a bright light in your house and to your family, or do you cast only a shadow of darkness that brings everyone down?

Do you cast enough light from your life that others can see their way, or do they have to stumble in the dark making their own mistakes?

Do you keep your light under a bowl and only bring it out on Sunday? (Saturday)

A children’s Sunday school teacher asked the class, “Why do you love God?” There were several different answers, but the best came from a little boy who said, “I guess it just runs in the family.”

Does being the light of the world run in your family?

Does loving God run in your family?

 Does forgiveness shine brightly in your house?

Is everyone allowed to make a mistake, and then have second and third chances?

Being a role model in the family means that we are to teach forgiveness, by forgiving. We are to teach kindness by being kind. We are to teach compassion by being compassionate. We are to teach honesty by being honest. We are to teach generosity by being generous. We are to teach tenderness by being tender. We are to teach God’s Word by living it in our lives. In other words, we are to teach each other what it means to be Christian by example.

How we behave on the way home from church is as crucial as how we act in church. How we act on the job is just as important as how we act in the Sunday school classroom. How we act in front of the TV is just as important as how we act in front of the preacher. How we act in front of the TV when someone else wants to watch a different program – well, you get the picture.

Common sense, simple observation, and psychological research show that If one person in the family smokes others are more likely to smoke. If one person in the family is abusing alcohol or drugs, others are more likely to do the same. People who grow up in homes that experience frequent domestic violence are more likely to solve their problems with violence and abuse their families too.

But there is another side.

On the other hand, people also repeat positive behaviors they see in the family. Multiple generations of the same family enter the same profession: law enforcement, firefighting, medicine, law, teaching, farming, etc. Families that tend to have healthy self-esteem tend to make people more confident. Once a family has one person graduate from high school or get a college diploma it lights a lamp in the family room and school becomes much more important to everyone. If the parents believe spending time together is important so will the children (until they are teenagers, but we can talk about adolescent development another time.) If they see parents forgive one another they will forgive.

The good thing is, as we try to live into being a role model for others we become better people ourselves. Meryl Streep said, “Being a role model is equal parts being who you actually are and who you hope to be.”

No matter your age or your place in the family your behavior either lights a lamp in the family or sucks the light out of the room. Every one of you has a crucial role in modeling the Christian faith for others in your family.

  Modeling is an everyday priority. But next week we want to give everyone a chance to spread some light.

We have planned a Sunday of service for next week.  Why?  Because children learn from parents, parents learn from children, siblings learn from siblings, partners learn from partners, people of the church learn from other people of the church, and the community learns by seeing the church be the church.  Next Sunday instead of just coming to church we want you to go out and be the church.

We want our children to see the church serving, loving, helping, and just generally being the church. We want the children to see people of all ages and family configurations coming together to make a difference as they go out to change the world one person at a time. We want parents to catch the joy of serving from their children. We want brothers and sisters to learn what it means to work together again. We want new members and long-timers to work alongside each other so they can learn from each other. We want the church to be the light to the world, so everyone will see Jesus in our action: our children, parents, siblings, each other and the community… as we serve together next Sunday morning.

Come at 9:30 for a brief worship time. Then, at 10:00 we want everyone who will to go shine your light. Summer has been collecting jobs for you, so you just sign up. There are jobs available for every age and ability. There are jobs planned for whole families to participate. There are jobs sitting here at the church for those who are less mobile.  Stay at your job as long as you like. Most will last between an hour and 2 hours.

Let me be honest. When the pastor goes to annual conference I know that many of you consider that an optional Sunday. You might consider the Sunday of service an optional Sunday. Personally, I see it as one of the most important Sunday of the year. But whatever you decide: Remember little eyes are watching to see whether we will put our time where our mouths are.  We can talk about outreach and service until we are blue in the face, but it means very little until we actually do it.

Let your light so shine before your family, your church, and your community that God’s love will be seen like a bright beacon Next Sunday and every day that you live for Jesus.