Give up something bad for lent #2 (Something bad coming from our mouths)
RUMC 2/17/2013
Ellen was a Junior in High School, an honor student, a member of the band, and secretary of her class. Her life was beautiful, her future bright; but then, everything went wrong. James More writes about her in GIVE UP SOMETHING BAD FOR LENT, "I was called on to conduct her funeral on what would have been her 17th birthday. It was suicide. In the depths of depression, she had taken an overdose of sleeping pills. She left a note saying that she couldn't go on. She couldn't fight the rumors and rejection any longer. She felt betrayed by her friends and her community. It was all so sad, so useless, and such a waste. This tragic teenage suicide was sparked by a misunderstanding, which became a false rumor, which was spread as vicious gossip by ordinary people like you and me passing on a cruel destructive untruth.
The rumor was that she had come home at daylight in a drunken stupor, her clothes disheveled, delivered to her door by an older man in a fancy sports car. That was the rumor. The truth was, that she had sat up all night at the hospital with her gravely ill grandmother and had been brought home by her uncle. That was the truth!
You know how it happens. A neighbor saw something out her kitchen window, jumped to the wrong conclusions, and then started spreading a false rumor. As a result, an innocent teenager was devastated. The harsh stares, the cruel jokes, the profane wisecracks, the vicious gossip, the whispering behind her back, the pointed fingers, and the blatant lies became too much for Ellen. Her fragile, sensitive personality couldn't take it. She cracked under the pressure, and in a moment of deep agony and excruciating pain, she took her life. A young woman with so much promise, so much potential, and so many gifts snuffed out because people like you and me participated in spreading false rumors. When will we ever learn?[1]
Thank goodness that is not a local Reinbeck story, but it could be. I'll bet you don't have to think very hard to remember the last time you heard a rumor, something condemning, some harsh words, a cruel joke or a thinly veiled innuendo about someone in the community. I am under no illusion that we are immune, I'll bet some of you have heard something like that this morning, right here in this building. It stands to reason if some of you heard it, someone else spoke it.
Oh I am sure you had good intentions. You were concerned about them. You wanted to see if what you heard was true. You might have even offered it as a prayer concern. You know out of Christian love…It doesn't matter what your intentions were. Jesus says "Do not judge, so that you may not be judged." [2] That wasn't a suggestion or a proposal. That wasn't a guideline or an idea. That wasn't a request or a plea. "Do not judge" is flat out a strong command. There is no beating around the bush. Jesus is pushing us right back to the golden rule "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".[3] He is driving us into a corner with the great commandment "Love your neighbor,as you love yourself."[4] Essentially he is saying if your words are not loving and you wouldn't want someone to say that about you… don't even think them and for heaven's sake don't speak them.
James understands the problem in what I think is the most colorful passage about the problems our words cause. He says "every species of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by the human species, but no one can tame the tongue—a restless evil, full of deadly poison."[5]
If we are going to give up something for Lent, why give up sweet chocolate, when we can give up the deadly poison that is gossip, rumors and evil speaking?
The same is true for lying. You have all heard "honesty is the best policy". Well it is not just good policy. It is a commandment. Number nine on God's top ten list. "Do not lie."[6] Now I know you and most of you are not big liars. But I'll bet you don't have to think very hard to come up with something you just didn't mention so that you wouldn't be in trouble. I'll bet you don't have to think back too far to think about a time that you might have stretched the truth to make yourself look better… FISHERMEN!
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Are our lies whoppers? Most are not. They are, however, lies and as James says, "How great a forest is set ablaze by a small fire!"[7] And every time you try to blow it out, it just keeps getting bigger and bigger doesn't it?
Lying is just as bad as evil speaking. If you see yourself in any of this, this would be something bad that you could give up for Lent. As your friend and neighbor, it would sure make me feel a lot safer if you did.
But how do you do it? Whether your sin or bad habit is gossiping and lying, or gluttony, or discouragement, or jealousy, or any of these other bad things that you want to give up it is hard. You might think it would be easy to get rid of these bad things. It is not. Because they have become a habit.
Habits are important. They are critical to our survival. Can you imagine having to intentionally decide for instance every little motion when you are brushing your teeth? Can you imagine having to decide every day, "Now am I going to tie my right shoe first, or my left." We don't have to make that decision because we have developed a habit. Habits keep us from overloading our brain with a zillion details of daily living, so our brains can do bigger and better things.
And habits are more deeply ingrained than even the memory. We learned this from a man named Eugene. Sadly, Eugene had an infection in his brain that took away his memory. His memory was so bad he didn't remember his wife or children. He couldn't remember where he lived or tell you where the bathroom was in his house.
But when he had to go to the bathroom he got up and went with no problem. It was a habit. He couldn't tell you where the kitchen was, but when he wanted a snack he could get up walk to the correct cupboard in the kitchen and get his favorite snack, salted peanuts.
I know, it sounds strange, but even though his memory was shot, his habits were still intact. As long as he could operate on habit, he could function fairly well in life. He would even cook himself bacon an eggs for breakfast. And then he would forget that he had eaten and he would cook himself more bacon and eggs for breakfast. [8]
All of that is to say habits are buried deep in our minds. That is why we have such a hard time breaking them. Hard, but not impossible. Basically what I am asking you to do this Lent is break some bad habit. Each of these things up here is a habit that can be changed. So how do you go about breaking a habit. I am reading a very interesting book by Charles Duhig called THE POWER OF HABIT[9]. He goes through all the neuropsychological research and concludes that there is a habit cycle. It starts with a trigger, or he calls it a cue.
In Eugene's story, his cue for eating breakfast was the sun shining through the kitchen window. As long as the sun was shining through the kitchen window his habit kicked in and he made bacon and eggs for breakfast… 3 or 4 times a day.
What is the cue that causes your habit of gossip to kick in? Is it when you see a favorite gossip partner? Is it when you sit down at the corner Café or walk into Caseys? Is it when you talk with neighbors over the fence? Just think about what is happening just before you gossip.
What is the cue for your lying? Is it that you feel unimportant, or embarrassed, or afraid of what others will think if they know the truth? What is happening just before you lie? What is your trigger for lying?
Ask yourself that question no matter what your habit is. No matter what bad habit you are trying to give up for Lent, ask yourself what is happening just before I backslide into that habit again? What is your cue?
If it is Gluttony, perhaps it is watching TV. Sit down to watch TV, and you have to have that ice cream.
If it is negative thinking, you need to know that if there is no trigger you may be suffering from depression. But if you are not depressed, what is happening just before you think, "I just know this is going to be a disaster."
What is the cue that causes you to start feeling sorry for yourself? What is the cue that causes you to fall back into your habit? What is happening just before you backslide into your habit? That may be your trigger.
You all have index cards again this week. If you were not here last week, you should have written the bad thing you want to give up for Lent on the index card. Sealed it in the envelope, and placed it in the offering plate. It should be up here.
Now for the index card I gave you today. Stick it in your shirt pocket, your purse, your wallet, somewhere safe that you can get to it all week. Whenever you slip back into your bad habit, or whenever you have the urge to slip back into your bad habit, or whenever you think this is when I would usually________. Write a note on the card. You might just put the time and write a note later, or something. But write a little note of what was happening when you were tempted.
· Talking to my friend.
· Watching the food channel.
· Surfing the internet.
· I felt lonely.
· I got in the car
· I was afraid.
· I got nervous.
· I got home from work.
· I got upsetting news.
· I got a cup of coffee.
Whatever it is, write it down and look for patterns. Look for the common thread that runs through all of the times you were tempted. They might not all fit the pattern, but this should give you a pretty good idea of what your trigger is. What causes you to be tempted? What causes you to be weakened, even though you have good intentions? What situations are hardest for you?
That is your homework for the week. And next week I am going to ask you if just knowing the trigger might have helped you make any progress giving up something bad for Lent, (Because even that knowledge might make a difference.) We will talk about another type of bad habit that you might struggle with, and we will talk about the next step- what to do with the information you are collecting about your habit triggers.
In conclusion I want to make the connection between what we are trying to do-- give up something bad for Lent-- and AA. Fundamentally alcoholism is a habit. Yes, there is a physical and biological component to alcohol addiction, but there is also a huge psychological and behavioral component (otherwise AA would not help anyone.) That psychological and behavioral component can be described as a habit with triggers, just like any other habit.
So the AA 12 steps are relevant to our project of giving up something bad for Lent. You might be familiar with the traditional 12 steps. Whether you are or not, I want to share with you a version of the 12 steps written by a Rabbi. [10] I chose these because they are about as frank and simple as they can be. You'll find them in your bulletin.
1. There is a power that will kill me.
2. There's a power that wants me to live.
3. Which do I want? (If you want to live, go on)
4. Using examples from your own life, understand that selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear control your actions
5. Tell your private, embarrassing secret to another person.(ADMIT IT TO YOURSELF TOO)
6. Decide whether or not you want to live that way any more.
7. If you want to change, ask a Power greater than yourself to change it for you. (If you could have changed it yourself, you would have long ago)
I want to stop there, because that is as far as we are in the process. And it is a turning point. If you could have given up this bad thing on your own you would have done it long ago you? So you have to ask God to help you. Let's ask God right now.
O God, you make us with free will and responsibility and we screw it up. Way too often we abuse our free will and shirk our responsibility. Forgive us. Make us new. Free us from the prison we have built for ourselves with these bad habits. Only you have the key, and we know that you want to give it to us. We open our hands now. Place the key to freedom in our hands. Help us to live as the free and redeemed people we are in your eyes. O miraculous God, change our hearts we pray. AMEN
Change our hearts O God… The Faith We Sing
[1] GIVE UP SOMETHING BAD FOR LENT, James W. Moore; Abindgon 2012.pp21-22
[2] Matthew 7:1
[3] Matthew 7:12, see also Luke 6:31
[4] Leviticus 19:18
[5] James 3:7
[6] Exodus 20:16
[7] James 3:5
[8] THE POWER OF HABIT Charled Duhig Chapter 2
[9] THE POWER OF HABIT Charled Duhig, Random House, 2012
· [10] Rabbi Shais Taub (God of our understanding--Jewish spirituality and Recovery from Addiction):
A VERSION OF THE 12 STEPS TO RECOVERY
1. There is a power that will kill me.
2. There's a power that wants me to live.
3. Which do I want? (If you want to live, go on)
4. Using examples from your own life, understand that selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear control your actions
5. Tell your private, embarrassing secret to another person.(OF COURSE YOU HAVE TO ADMIT IT TO YOURSELF FIRST! )[1]
6. Decide whether or not you want to live that way any more.
7. If you want to change, ask a Power greater than yourself to change it for you. (If you could have changed it yourself, you would have long ago)
8. Figure out how to make right all the things you did wrong.
9. Fix what you can without causing more trouble in the process.
10. Understand that making mistakes is a part of being human. (When you make a mistake, fix it immediately if you can)
11. Ask for help to treat yourself and others like you the way you want your Higher Power to treat you.
12. Don't stop doing 1 through 11, and pass it on.
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· Rabbi Shais Taub (God of our understanding--Jewish spirituality and Recovery from Addiction):
