Grieving with Hope: Comforting Those Who Mourn (1109)

Grieving with Hope: Comforting Those Who Mourn                   (1109)

 

Dr. Alan Wolfelt of the Center for Loss and Life Transition is known throughout North American for his compassionate messages about healing in grief.  Alan says he has discovered that in general you can take all the people in your life and divide them into thirds when it comes to grief support.

1/3 will turn out to be truly empathetic helpers.  They will have a desire to understand you and your unique experience of grief.  They will be willing to be involved in your pain and sufferings without feeling a need to take it away from you – fix you or to judge you – rather allow you to feel the very real pain of your loss.

1/3 will turn out to be neutral in their response to your grief.  They will not help you, but they also will not hinder you in your journey of grief.

And 1/3 will turn out to be harmful to you in your efforts to mourn and heal your grief.  It's not they intentionally set out to harm you, but they will judge you and try to take your grief away from you.  In this way, they will pull you off the path to healing.

My goal today, quite honestly, is to move at least a few of you into the category of the first 1/3.  I hope you will leave here with more understanding and better equipped to be - for your family and friends –part of the 1/3 that can be truly empathetic and helpful to those who mourn.

BUT before we can get to that place we need to review some basics about the grief and mourning:

 

Grief and Mourning are not necessarily the same thing.  

•      Grief has been defined as the thoughts and feelings we have inside when we suffer any loss.  This could be the death of someone we love, a health crisis, the loss of a job, moving etc. 

•      Mourning on the other hand is the outward expression of those internal feelings.  Sometimes that is a private thing, such as visiting the cemetery, writing a letter to your loved one, crying, expressing your thoughts and feelings through art or music and observing special anniversary dates that held meaning for the person who died. 

•      Other expressions of mourning are more public – and these too are necessary.  Everyone needs to experience the validation of their loss and their pain.  This "grief gone public" expression of mourning might include the funeral visitation and service, attending a grief support group, holiday remembrances such as the memory tree at the Miracle on Main , memorial walks , particularly those for a "cause" such as Alzheimer's, or cancer.

 

 

You don't GET OVER your loss or your experience of grief.

When your spouse or your child or your best friend, or your parent dies your life is forever changed.  That is a fact.  It is unrealistic then to expect people to "get over" it. 

What we hope for is that, in time and with proper support for the journey, the bereaved can learn to live again with meaning EVEN THOUGH they no longer enjoy the physical presence of their loved one.  Life is forever changed.  "Normal" has been turned upside down and inside out.  There is a new normal now – and adjusting to that new normal takes all the spiritual, emotional and physical energy we have within us.  It is hard work.  That is why we often speak of "the work of grief."  That is why friends and loved ones who know how to support the bereaved are so necessary and so appreciated. 

 

People of faith Grieve and Mourn

If I could change just one thing in this world I would do away with the notion that people of faith shouldn't experience the pain of grief.  That crying or mourning is a sign of spiritual weakness and lack of faith.   

We need only to turn to scripture to see that tears and sorrow are a normal part of the human experience and actually expressive of our need for God and for love and support from one another.

LAMENTATIONS is an entire book in the Bible devoted to the grief and pain of God's people.  The word "lament" means "to mourn aloud" "to wail." 

Last week Terry read a kind of lamenting from the book of Job.  Job had lost literally everything, all his property and wealth, his health, as well as the lives of his children.  (And when he mourned his wife said, "Why don't you just curse God and die?"  She would have been in the 1/3 that was harmful and toxic to Job.)

In _______________________________ David mourns for Jonathan & Saul, who though the son of David's mortal enemy, was closer than a brother and David's dearest friend.

Jesus quoted Psalm 22 when he cried out from the cross "My God, My God, Why have you forsaken me?"  The complete reference is

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me,
so far from my cries of anguish?

This is the cry of one who is in deep grief and pain and spiritual crisis, feeling cut off and abandoned by God. 

The last example comes from John 11, Jesus at the tomb of Lazarus.  Lazarus and his sisters Mary and Martha were among Jesus' closest friends.  When Jesus arrived, Lazarus had already died.  The home and yard were probably swarming with people, friends and professional mourners.  Let us argue that Jesus knew that Lazarus' death was going to be become the occasion for Jesus' greatest miracle yet.  The raising of Lazarus from death would foreshadow Jesus' own resurrection.   Yet, as both sisters came to Jesus in turn, torn apart by their grief, as Jesus moved into the crowd of mourners he was so moved that he broke down and wept. 

An examination of the Greek reveals that Jesus' reaction was a deeply felt-in – the – gut kind of reaction.  His "weeping" was not a dignified wiping aside of a tear on his cheek.  In fact, one translation is that Jesus snorted like a horse – you know the kind of crying we're talking about here.  When you cry so hard and then you suck in a deep breath, so deep that you give an undignified sort of a snort that you never really want anyone else to hear.  That's the kind of grief and pain and tears Jesus experienced at the tomb of Lazarus. 

It is astounding to me, then, that we would somehow think ourselves more faithful, more righteous because we don't allow our feelings of grief to show.  This is completely contrary to the example of our mothers and fathers in the faith and to the example of Jesus himself.  And, this is a uniquely Anglo American attitude. There are many cultures within our own country and many around the world who still value the full expression of the pain of grief.   They weep openly, wail or keen.    They see such mourning as an expression of love and honor for the dead, not as a source of embarrassment or lack of faith. 

So-

There is a difference between grief and mourning.

People don't "get over" the death of someone loved.

And

People of faith grieve and mourn.

What implications do these basics have for the way in which we support and care for the bereaved? 

Offer the ministry of presence.  That you were there – to give a hug, to lend a shoulder, to bring in a meal, to share a tear – In the early days of grief these things mean far more than anything you could ever say. In fact, be quiet.  The truth is there is nothing you can say that can fix the pain or make it go away, so quit trying.  Your continued efforts to make their pain go away are a reflection of your needs and discomfort, not a reflection of their need to mourn.  Most people are not sure what to say anyway.  So we end up quoting old, worn out cliché's that at best will be forgotten and at worst will be offensive.   

It is so much better to say something simple like, "I'm so sorry for your loss" or "I grieve with you"

 And then be quiet! 

Here are a few things that have been said to bereaved persons over the years and their responses:

God needed another little angel in heaven.    "She's my baby.  I need her here."

"Only the good die young."    "And the pedophiles and drug pushers get to live 'til their 80, what kind of justice is that?" 

God never gives us more than we can handle.  "That's a lie, cuz I'm dying inside.  I can't survive this pain and loneliness." 

At least he's out of pain now.  "But I can't breathe.  I can't stand this pain!"

You know he's in a better place.  "But I want him here!"

You're young.  You can have more children, get married again…etc.    "Get out of my face." 

The bereaved likely won't say these things out loud in your presence.  But the responses are authentic.  I hear them all the time in the support groups I facilitate.  And actually, the anger these types of comments incites is such that I can't really quote their responses from the pulpit. 

Please, just be quiet.  And be present.  Your presence is the best ministry and comfort you have to offer in the early days following a death.

Meet them where they are.

Most people working and writing in the area of grief and bereavement no longer talk about "stages" of grief.  Elizabeth Kubler- Ross was a pioneer in our understanding about the grief process but her original work was specific to the grief experienced by terminally ill patients.  For the bereaved, grief is not a set of stages that we pass through and move on from until we reach the end and are "over it."  The feelings of grief hit us like the waves of the ocean, taking us by surprise at times, knocking us off our feet when we least expect it.  Grief is like a tornado, roaring through our lives, tearing up everything in its path leaving chaos behind.  The grief process is three steps forward and two steps back again.

If you are the friend seeking to support a bereaved person you need to be prepared to meet them where they are on any given day.  Don't go into the relationship with any preconceived notions about the "right" way for them to mourn.  Don't judge their feelings, saying with your words or your attitude "You shouldn't feel that way."  Meet them where they are.  One day they may need you to just listen and let them cry or vent their anger.  They may be angry at God. They may be angry at the person who died for leaving them.  They may be angry with the doctors.  They may be angry with themselves.  All the expressions of mourning on this slide are NORMAL.   Under most circumstances, they do require counseling or therapy.  Bereavement is not a disease or mental disorder.  The bereaved need to be free to talk about these feelings, to have all this stuff heard and validated without judgment.

The great paradox of grief is that you must feel it to heal it.  It's the last thing any of us wants to do.  It's the last thing we want to see our friend or loved one going through.  But it is the only way to move forward toward healing and the reconciliation of our mourning.  You can't go over, around or under it.  You have to go through it.   It's the only way to find that new normal and new life of meaning.  So meet them where they are.  Love them and accept them.  And they will be comforted.

Finally, be there for the long haul

Grief and Mourning is the hardest work any of us will ever do and it takes far longer to reconcile our pain – or make our life good again – than most of us would ever imagine.  Most people do not feel that they have made peace with that "new normal" until easily 18 – 24 months after their loved ones death.  Many people report to me that the second holiday season is more difficult than the first, because the first year they have understanding and support from folks but that all disappears the second year.  We don't get over our loss, we learn to live on.  The best friends of the bereaved, the people who are truly supportive and helpful, have no expectation that the bereaved will ever want to quit talking about their loved one; that they will ever remove pictures of their loved one from their home or desk at work; that they will ever stop putting flowers on their loved ones grave; or that they will ever forget the love and life shared with their loved one who died.  The true friend will always be willing to hear the story, speak the name or light a candle 6 months, 6 years or 60 years after the death.    (11:25) (16 minutes)

If you want to carry hope to those who are mourning, follow these words of advice: 

Offer the ministry of your presence and close your mouth.

Meet them where they are and let them freely express all their feelings without judgment or correction.

Be there for the long haul. 

Then the words of Jesus will be fulfilled, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."