Building blocks of Christian families #4: Constant Communication

The story is told that

J. Edgar Hoover, former director of the FBI, had a rule saying that all FBI memoranda were required to be shorter than two and one-half typed pages and with wide margins all around. Hoover himself once received a memo that violated this prescribed length and format.

The writer had managed to cram more words into his memo by reducing the size of the margins. Hoover responded by writing on the memo, “Watch the borders!”

When Hoover’s subordinates saw the note, they assigned hundreds of special agents to guard our national borders with Mexico and Canada.

 There is debate about whether that is a true story or not , but isn’t communication like that?  Brinkley's Law is: "If there is any way it can be misunderstood--by someone, somewhere, sometime--it will be misunderstood." The words we say may be technically correct. If no one understands us, however, it is like playing catch by ourselves… not very much fun and completely exhausting.

Then there is the other side of the coin.

Franklin Roosevelt hated long receiving lines at the White House. He was convinced that no one really paid any attention to what was said.

 One day, he decided to prove his point.  The story goes, as each person passed down the line and shook his hand, he murmured, "I murdered my grandmother this morning." The guests responded with phrases like, "Marvelous! Keep up the good work. We are proud of you. God bless you, sir." It was not till the end of the line, while greeting the ambassador from Bolivia, that his words were actually heard. Without hesitation the ambassador leaned over and whispered, "I'm sure she had it coming."

If not speaking clearly is like playing catch by ourselves, Then not listening is like playing hide and seek by ourselves. It is no fun to hide if there isn’t someone to come looking for us.

In pre-marital preparation, I tell couples there is only one secret to a good marriage. Everything else is details.  That secret is good communications.  The same is true for families; parents and children, adult children and aging parents, partners, step parents everyone you can imagine in your family must communicate well to be a healthy family. One of the building blocks to Christian families is constant communication.

 In this series, I have said that families must be founded on faith, make time for each other, and families must live love.  Today I want to add the building block of constant communication. I might say this every week, but this might be one of the most important building blocks I share with you.

The Bible doesn’t say anything about communications does it? Actually, it does. There are dozens of passages in proverbs, plenty of good stories, Jesus told some stories, the New Testament is filled with letters which are in themselves communication from pastor to church.  Today I want to use one of the most straightforward passage of all.  James 1:19 says “You must understand this, my beloved: let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger.” That is about as clear as it gets but let me help you apply it.

James starts out, “You must understand this, my beloved.” That’s his way of saying, “Listen to this and listen good.”  We don’t know specifically who his audience is. It says, “The 12 tribes of the dispersion.” That would be all Christians everywhere.  James, however, spends a lot of time talking about words, and gossip, and evil speaking, and lying that sound like they are directed right at us. I suspect that he had some first-hand experience with some of this.  So “listen up and listen good.”

 He continues, “let everyone be quick to listen.”

Several years ago, there was a survey that revealed that only 4.1% of the teenage girls in America feel they could to go their father to talk about a serious problem. USA Today followed up with an eye-opening study asking teens where they go for help in a crisis. The most popular choice was music, the second choice was peers, and the third was TV. Amazing as it may sound, moms were down the list at number thirty-one, and dads were forty- eighth. 

Why? In part because parents are slow to listen. Maybe we are just trying to do too many things.

When it comes to listening, multitasking is a myth. You can think about four times faster than a person usually talks, so take inventory right now.  What are you thinking about? Are you thinking about what I am saying or is your mind on … what you will have for lunch, or what a nice day it is? When you are listening to someone do you find yourself planning what you will say in response even before they finish the whole story?

Listening is complicated, and many things can get in our way.  James answer is be quick to listen, but that does not mean listen quickly. In order to be quick to listen we have to slow down.

The respected pastor and writer Charles Swindoll tells this story on himself in his book STRESS FRACTURES.

"Things around our home started reflecting the pattern of my hurry-up lifestyle. It was becoming unbearable.

"I distinctly remember after supper one evening, the words of our younger daughter, Colleen. She wanted to tell me something important that had happened to her at school that day. She began hurriedly, 'Daddy, I wanna tell you somethin' and I'll tell you really fast.'

"Suddenly realizing her frustration, I answered, 'Honey, you can tell me -- and you don't have to tell me really fast. Say it slowly." "I'll never forget her answer: 'Then listen slowly daddy.'"

Be quick to listen but listen slowly with every bit of attention you have. Listen to your wife, or sister, or parent.  And for heaven’s sake listen to your children and grandchildren.  The thing about children is they always tell the truth… we just have to figure out what it means. Slow down and listen to the youngins as they tell their story and you just might change their lives.

A psychologist did a series of interviews with young women who found themselves involved in prostitution. He asked if there was anything that they could think of that might have turned their life a different direction.  Almost unanimously tears welled up and they said, “If someone had cared enough to listen my life might be different.”

The power of being quick to listen slowly.

There are three steps to listening, and you probably don’t need to take notes on this…

1. Listen to the other person's story.

2. Listen to the other person's full story.

3. Listen to the other person's full story first. 

You know like in court.  Listen to their story, the whole story and nothing but their story.

 James goes on after saying, “be quick to listen,” to say, “be slow to speak.”

One of my favorite sayings that has saved me more than once is, “It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak up and erase all doubt.” 

Proverbs 18:28 is similar, “Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and is thought discerning if he holds his tongue.” James says, “be slow to speak.”

Listen first… then be slow to speak… our speech should be thoughtful.

First Peter (3:8-10) has some advice about communication, “Finally, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, affectionate, compassionate, and humble. Do not return evil for evil or insult for insult, but instead bless others because you were called to inherit a blessing. For the one who wants to love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from uttering deceit.” 

HARMONIOUS. Let me get an official opinion here… should a chord have just one note? No but has one sound doesn’t it? Likewise, we don’t all have to sing the same song. We don’t have to all think exactly alike. But when you meet someone with a different opinion, try to make a beautiful sound when you put your idea next to the other person’s idea.  Too often it seems like the goal today is for our speech to sound like fingernails on a chalk board to anyone who disagrees. No don’t be like that. Strive for harmony.

SYMPATHETIC. “having like feelings.” Communication is not just words.  It is feelings. Listen for the feelings and remember when you felt that way.

  Part of being part of community is being able to put ourselves in the shoes of a brother or sister.   When I have had to deliver bad news to folks, I usually try to ask myself “how would I want to hear it” and “How would it make me feel if I heard those words?”

Words are powerful. We have the choice of chucking a truth bomb into someone’s life, or taking their hand, considering their feelings and walking together into the truth.  Let your words be harmonious and sympathetic.

AFFECTIONATE, COMPASSIONATE, AND HUMBLE - I lump these together not because they are exactly the same, but because we all know the way we are to treat one another. Do it.

Affectionate, compassionate, and humble… think loving caring and respectful.  The same things we have been talking about through this whole series. We all know we are supposed to love our neighbors. How about loving our partners, parents, girlfriends or boyfriends, sisters, brothers, uncles, aunts, grandparents and everyone else in family like relationships. They are our neighbors too.  

Think before you speak, and then think again, and think one more time asking yourself if this is loving, caring and respectful.  So, we might say James tells us to be slow to speak too quickly.

 Finally, James adds be slow to anger.  We live in an angry culture. Sometimes anger is justified but we must be slow to anger. Be slow to be offended. Be slow to make judgments. Don’t go into a conversation with your boiler all stoked up. Go back to being quick to listen slowly… Slow to speak to quickly… And it will help mitigate anger.

Constant communication is he building block that will get you through almost anything.  Professor Hans Jurgens performed a study of German couples and determined that after 2 years the amount of communications between couples was half of what it was in their first year. By year 6 it was less than half of that, and by year 8 he said most couples have run out of things to say and are in a state of “almost total speechlessness."    That is almost unbelievable to me, but The American Sociological Review, interviewed working women and discovered that they talk with their husbands an average of 12 minutes each day. 

Let your family be the exception. Talk with your family… listen to each other’s stories, the whole story and nothing but the story. And then when you talk… talk to each other harmoniously, sympathetically, lovingly, with care and respect.

There is so much that could be said about communication. But let me give you some homework this week.

 It is pretty simple. Ask someone in your family a leading question. What did you do today? What do you think about this? List 20 things that you have today that I didn’t have when I was a kid. Ask open ended question and then just see how long you can listen. Maybe you have to ask another question to keep it going, or ask for clarification, but see how long you can just listen.

Because being heard… really heard can change your family … or even a person’s life.