Ken Whitaker decided
to forgive his son who hired a hit man to kill his whole family. Was that the end of the story, or do you
suppose he had to forgive over and over like maybe 7*70 times?
In last week’s video,
Jamell McGee decided to forgive the police officer falsified records and sent
him to jail for 7 years. Do you suppose he forgot about it and moved on, or do
you think he might have had to forgive over and over like 7*70 times?
Andrea, whose video
we watched the first week of this series, thought about her rape on the
anniversary every year. Do you suppose she had to forgive every year, even
though she had forgiven once? I’m sure she did at least 7x70 times.
We talked about
forgiveness as “A decision we make to not imprison others - or ourselves - in
the past so we can be free today.”
Once you make that
choice is it over? Do you forget about it entirely…erase it from your memory…
do you perform a “hurtectomy” and just amputate all the hurt? Unfortunately,
no.
It is pretty common
for people to experience “forgiveness indigestion.” We swallow the hurt, we
swallow the anger but it is not really digested. It comes back on us right here with a pain almost
as intense as the original offense. I experience forgiveness indigestion, and
I’m guessing many or you do too.
Don’t get me wrong.
It is not the forgiveness that gives us indigestion. It is the fact that we are
imperfect people and our forgiveness is imperfect because we don’t complete a
step, miss a step or try to take shortcuts. And it comes back to haunt us. The
honest truth is, forgiveness is hard. Right?
But what about forgive and forget… doesn’t Jesus tell us to
forgive and forget…NOPE…Paul?...NOPE…John?
NO. The phrase “forgive and forget” does not appear in the bible, and
frankly we don’t know where it originated. But I think we misunderstand the
sentiment.
If anyone can forgive
and forget it would be God, right? The Bible talks about God not remembering
our sins. For instance, Isaiah 43:25 says, “I, even I, am he who blots out your
transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.” Hebrews adds
“I will remember their sins and their lawless deeds no more.”
Be careful here, though. It does not say that God forgets.
It says that God does not remember. Take it from an expert in forgetting that
not remembering. They are very different things. To me, forgetting is to not
being able to recall. The disk is wiped clean. The trash has been emptied. And
the memory is not available to us. God, on the other hand, never forgets
anything God is omniscient, knows and remembers all things. God cannot forget.
Not remembering, on the other hand, is a choice. God does
not forget; God chooses to not remember… God chooses to set our sins aside and
never recall them again.
Remember how I am
defining forgiveness. “A decision we make to not imprison others - or ourselves
- in the past.” In other words, to forgive is to decide not to remember. To set
the memories aside. Not imprisoning anyone, including ourselves, in the
mistakes, hurts, and memories of the past.
So, we chose not to remember, but Even when we have
forgiven, all of those memories Remain in the deep recesses of our mind. In
theory, they are harmlessly in the past. Or are they? memories of past hurts,
injuries, and wrongs involuntarily come back on us, that is what I am calling
forgiveness indigestion. It might be triggered by seeing the person, hearing
similar words, being in the same place, or there may be no trigger at all. For
no apparent reason our minds will be flooded with the hurts others have caused
us, and the feelings of anger, or hatred, or revenge, or fear, or victimization
will come back. And you know what?…We have to forgive all over again.
That is how it works for me. I think I have forgiven
someone, until I see them mentioned on Facebook, and my stomach tightens, my
pulse goes up and I raise my guard. Not voluntarily, mind you. Automatically. A
flood of memories, pain, anger, fear come back all over again. To me this is
not the other person’s fault. This is not about them. I have forgiven them. I
have released them. I have not, however, completely released myself from the
pain and anger. Therefore, forgiveness indigestion
I'm not the first,
nor am I the only person to have forgiveness indigestion. In today's scripture
Peter asking how many times he had to forgive someone. I don't know what the
story behind the story is. Was this something from his past? A family member?
One of the other disciples who just got on his nerves. You know He turns to
Jesus and says, “How many times do I have to forgive this Bozo.”
The rabbis of the day would answer 3 times. Jesus answer is
70x7 times 490 times.
There are two Situations in which we would have to forgive
repeatedly. The first is if someone keeps hurting us over and over. How many
times do we have to keep forgiving them? 70*7.
The other is “How many times do I have to forgive again
because of forgiveness indigestion?” And Jesus’ answer is just the same 70x7.
In Luke Jesus says, “Be on your guard! If another disciple
sins, you must rebuke the offender, and if there is repentance, you must
forgive. And if the same person sins
against you seven times a day, and turns back to you seven times and says, ‘I
repent,’ you must forgive.” He says 7 times, but I suspect he would agree with
70x7.
But how do we do it, you ask. Let me give you some tools.
In The Bounce Back
Book, Karen Salmansohn offers 7
strategies for setting aside anger and bitterness that comes back after
forgiveness.
1. She
starts with my favorite… Say a Prayer. Remember when I laid out the steps to
forgiveness, the last one was to bless them or pray for them the same things we
want for ourselves. But when forgiveness indigestion strikes, I think going
back to the last step of forgiving is a great place to start. Pray for them the
same things you want for yourself. Jesus
says pray for those who persecute you.
2. Focus on
Gratitude We can't be grateful and feel sorry for ourselves or angry at another
at the same time. Focusing on gratitude keeps us from having a pity party or
living in the past. Paul says, “Rejoice in the lord always and again I say
rejoice.”
3. Learn
the Lesson. I do not believe that God sends bad things our direction, however,
I do believe in a God of resurrection and redemption. I do believe in the God
of Joseph who said to his brothers, “what you intended for evil God has made
into good.” I believe God can turn a hurt into a lesson. Let me say that even
though we hope that forgiveness restores relationships, there are times when
the lesson is that the relationship is poison.
It is OK, for the sake of your safety, or health, or some other good
reason to decide that, even though you have forgiven, to realize that the lesson is to forgive and
keep your distance from the person who hurt you so they cannot do it again. There is nothing wrong with that.
4. Maintain
Perspective Stay focused on the things that are really important in life. What
is important? I said gratitude. Jesus
says “love the Lord your God and love your neighbor as yourself. “Amos says
“Act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with your God.” The harm this person did to you may consume
you today, but remember, it is not your whole life. It is part of your life,
but your whole life belongs to God.
5. Let Go
of Resentment (again, and again) Remember, unforgiveness is like drinking
poison and expecting the other person to die. You have been hurt enough. Don’t
reinjure yourself by playing the resentment and revenge game. There are never
any winners. Let Go again.
6. Get
Revenge Positively Albert Einstein said, "You can't solve a problem by
staying in the same energy in which it was created." To stay focused on
hurt only hurts more. Go positive instead.
Paul writes, “if your enemies are hungry, feed them; if they are
thirsty, give them something to drink; for by doing this you will heap burning
coals on their heads. Do not be overcome
by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
Now, if the only part you heard was “heap burning coals on their heads.”
You might be in trouble. All Paul is saying is that your kindness may prod them
into feeling guilt or remorse and changing.
The key is hurting them will not help you. You have a choice. You can be overcome by evil and do evil. Or
you can overcome evil with Good. I chose
over come evil with Good.
7. That’s what
the world does. Tit for tat. But do not be conformed to this world…but be
transformed by the renewing of your minds. Stay focused on new life in God.
Stay focused on God and let God transform you.
The world says revenge… you mind says get even… your twisted-up
gut says teach them a lesson… but Paul writes, don’t be conformed to that. But
be a transformed creature. Transformed by the grace of God into a child of love
and forgiveness. Not just partial forgiveness total forgiveness.
During
the video and closing song. I want you to take the paper I asked you to get as
worship started. I want you to write on
one side, “I release” and on the other write “I am free.”
Now imagine that the paper weighs a million pounds… about
the same weight as a load of resentment and vengefulness you carry on your
back. You can’t even budge it let alone
pick it up to claim your freedom on the other side. It will be like that until you write someone’s
name on the side that says, “I release.”
It might be a recent event, or a 50-year-old grudge. Write their name and pray for God to help you
to release the weight of unforgiveness. When you feel the weightlifting, turn
the paper over and claim the freedom God gives you. Freedom from sin, freedom
from grudges, freedom from unforgiveness.
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