(Dirty cop video)
Now that’s
forgiveness, right? Forgiving the cop who falsified records, and had you
imprisoned.
Most forgiveness is not that dramatic.
A playground bully pushes the neighbor girl down, skinning
her knee and sending her home crying. That night the girl returns to the
playground and there is no sign of anger or hurt, except the big bird Band-Aids
on her knee and elbow.
You and your spouse have an argument about something silly…
and someone steps over the line and hurts feelings. An hour later you are
sitting at the dinner table planning your next vacation.
That is forgiveness too. It is just as much forgiveness as
the man who forgave the police officer.
From the sandbox and school yard; to the workplace, and the family,
forgiveness is a critical part of human relationships. None of us gets through
life without hurting someone’s feelings, stepping on someone’s toes, or
breaking someone’s heart. Likewise, none of us gets through life without having
our feelings hurt, toes stepped on, or heart broken.
Most of what we forgive are small things: mistakes,
misjudgments, and oversights, but you know what? Forgiveness under any
circumstance is just really hard. There are a lot of things that can trip us
up. Today, let’s talk about some barriers to forgiveness.
If you have heard the
first three sermons in this series, you know that
The source of all
forgiveness is God’s grace.
Unforgiveness will
kill us physically, emotionally and spiritually
forgiveness is a
process
• Recognize
that they are a child of God
• Don’t
expect them to make it right
• Change
our attitude toward them
• Until we
can pray for God to bless them the way we want to be blessed
Forgiveness is
“Release them from the prison of the past… and you will be set free. today”
That sounds so simple. And that sounds so good. Why is
forgiveness so hard? Why does Jesus have to teach on it over and over? Why do we get stuck when we need to forgive?
Forgiveness is just hard. I can’t fix that. But we can address a few barriers to
forgiveness.
The first barrier is
simple WE SIMPLY DON’T WANT TO FORGIVE. Let’s face it. On one level, we think
it would be OK to hate someone for harming us and still receive forgiveness
from God. We’d much prefer it if we could just have our relationship with God
insulated and encapsulated so we could treat other people any way we like.
Jesus says, “No deal. You can’t have it that way.”
Let’s take a look at
Mathew 5:43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and
hate your enemy.’ That’s the way we would prefer it isn’t it? But, Jesus
continues, “I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute
you, so that you may be children of your Father in heaven.” You see, Jesus
won’t accept our resistance to forgiveness.
In the next chapter
Jesus just lays it on the table. “For if
you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive
you; but if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your
trespasses.” NO doubt, NO wiggle room. NO escape clause. End of discussion. Do
whatever you have to do to offer forgiveness to those who harm you.
The second barrier is
a matter of conscience. “If I forgive them, I feel like I am excusing their
behavior, endorsing sin, or telling them that their behavior is OK”.
We are not excusing them… forgiving presupposes that a wrong
was done. If they did no wrong, there is no need for forgiveness. Far from
endorsing sin we are claiming the power of the love of God over that sin. Far from telling them that their behavior is
OK we are telling them that we are not going to continue to allow ourselves to
be damaged by what they did.
Third we say, “If I
forgive them, all the consequences go away.”
They do not. People worry, if I forgive then I can’t press charges. Yes, you can.
Newton’s third law of motion says, “for every action there is an equal and
opposite reaction.” That’s not only true or physics, that is true in life.
Everything we do elicits a reaction, sometimes pleasant, sometimes negative.
When we break the rules or the law, or someone’s trust, or someone’s heart,
there are consequences. We might be disqualified from the game, arrested and
tried for our crimes, lose a friend or become the “ex.” Forgiveness does not make that go away. Just
because you release them form the past, it does not mean that it is over for
them.
You may forgive the person who stole from you, that does not
mean that they are free of theft charges. You may forgive the person who ran
into your car, but that doesn’t mean they and their insurance company don’t
have to fix it. You can forgive the
unfaithful spouse, but that does not mean that you won’t divorce them. You
might forgive the best friend who betrayed your trust and made you the butt of
the school’s jokes, but that does not mean that they get to be your best
friend.
This is where the 3rd
barrier connects to the 4th. The 4th
barrier is- “I can’t pretend nothing happened.” I can’t roll back time.
No one is asking us to roll back time. Just because we forgive someone who has
wronged us, does not mean that they have the right to expect that everything
will go back to the way it was before the wrong. The forgiver may try to
restore the relationship, but it will never be the same as it was. The forgiver
has every right to protect themselves from being hurt again.
Just because you forgive a car thief, does not mean that
they have no right to expect that your car doors will be unlocked again. If the abuser is forgiven, they have not
right to expect that they will retain sole, unsupervised custody of the child.
Forgiveness does not erase the past. It
is, however, a chance to not be imprisoned by the past.
Another barrier is
sometimes we can’t get to the person who wronged us. They die, they are in
Jail, we lose track of where they are, or we never knew who it was like the
person who ran in to Robyn’s car in a parking lot two days after we bought
it. There is no one to say I’m sorry and
there is no one to whom we can express forgiveness. This is always unfortunate,
but it is not a real barrier for forgiveness.
Remember we forgive by setting them free of the prison of the past SO
THAT we can be free today. That is
inside work, heart work, gut work. We can and sometimes must let go of holding
someone responsible even when we can not see them face to face or we don’t know
who they are. And we pray that they find forgiveness in some other way.
And then there are
the times when we know the person who hurt us, we know where they are but there
is no apology, no acknowledgement of the hurt, no repentance, nothing. If you
forgive someone who doesn’t believe they need forgiveness, they may just look
at you funny… or they may punch you in the nose. We would like to have the
justice of a confession and expression of regret, but that is not one of the
steps in forgiveness. Step two, in fact, is to specifically give up our claim to
justice. Give up any expectation that they will take any steps to make it
better, or acknowledge wrong done, or ask for forgiveness. God’s grace and forgiveness is free…
forgiveness is a gift from God. God’s grace and love come freely.
No strings attached, no hoops through which to jump. Our
forgiveness is an extension of God’s forgiveness.
I think one of the
most amazing acts of forgiveness is Jesus on the cross. No one apologized, no one was going to make
it right, but Jesus said, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.”
The last barrier I
want to address is repeat offenders. They never seem to change. The example
that comes to mind is the alcoholic who is remorseful when they are sober, but
they are so owned by the alcohol that they keep repeating the very behavior
that hurts those close to them. It might be a gossiper, or a bully or anyone
else who keeps committing the same hurt. Matthew 18 lays out a conflict
resolution plan for Christians. If we work through the plan and they still
continue to sin… they continue to hurt us… Jesus says to treat them “as a
gentile and a tax collector.” How did Jesus treat Gentile san tax collectors?
Let’s see… he healed them, he forgave them, he loved them, the treated them the
best he could, in fact, he treated them better than they deserved.
So, to treat someone
as a gentile or tax collector is to treat them with grace and love even though
they may not reciprocate. Next week we will expand on this, but Jesus says we
have to forgive and forgive. 70*70 times.
Every situation is different. Each one of us is different
and you may have barriers that I don’t experience as barriers. I’d love to know what I have missed. What
makes forgiveness particularly difficult for you? I’d love to hear from you.
Forgiveness is
Hard. But it is not
• Optional
• Making
excuses
• Preventing
consequences
• Rolling
back time
•
Dependent on their availability or apology
• Is not
dependent on changing them
It is maybe the
hardest thing we have to do. But think about it this way… If a perfectly
righteous God who does not have the capacity to do wrong, is willing to
sacrifice his only son who also was perfect and sinless, so that you and I can
be forgiven… don’t you think forgiveness is pretty important? It is, so RELEASE THE PAST SO YOU CAN HE SET
FREE TODAY.
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