The story is told that
J. Edgar Hoover, former director of the FBI, had a rule
saying that all FBI memoranda were required to be shorter than two and one-half
typed pages and with wide margins all around. Hoover himself once received a
memo that violated this prescribed length and format.
The writer had managed to cram more words into his memo by
reducing the size of the margins. Hoover responded by writing on the memo,
“Watch the borders!”
When Hoover’s subordinates saw the note, they assigned
hundreds of special agents to guard our national borders with Mexico and
Canada.
There is debate about
whether that is a true story or not , but isn’t communication like that? Brinkley's Law is: "If there is any way
it can be misunderstood--by someone, somewhere, sometime--it will be misunderstood."
The words we say may be technically correct. If no one understands us, however,
it is like playing catch by ourselves… not very much fun and completely
exhausting.
Then there is the other side of the coin.
Franklin Roosevelt hated long receiving lines at the White
House. He was convinced that no one really paid any attention to what was said.
One day, he decided
to prove his point. The story goes, as
each person passed down the line and shook his hand, he murmured, "I
murdered my grandmother this morning." The guests responded with phrases
like, "Marvelous! Keep up the good work. We are proud of you. God bless
you, sir." It was not till the end of the line, while greeting the
ambassador from Bolivia, that his words were actually heard. Without hesitation
the ambassador leaned over and whispered, "I'm sure she had it
coming."
If not speaking clearly is like playing catch by ourselves,
Then not listening is like playing hide and seek by ourselves. It is no fun to
hide if there isn’t someone to come looking for us.
In pre-marital preparation, I tell couples there is only one
secret to a good marriage. Everything else is details. That secret is good communications. The same is true for families; parents and
children, adult children and aging parents, partners, step parents everyone you
can imagine in your family must communicate well to be a healthy family. One of
the building blocks to Christian families is constant communication.
In this series, I
have said that families must be founded on faith, make time for each other, and
families must live love. Today I want to
add the building block of constant communication. I might say this every week,
but this might be one of the most important building blocks I share with you.
The Bible doesn’t say anything about communications does it?
Actually, it does. There are dozens of passages in proverbs, plenty of good
stories, Jesus told some stories, the New Testament is filled with letters
which are in themselves communication from pastor to church. Today I want to use one of the most
straightforward passage of all. James
1:19 says “You must understand this, my beloved: let everyone be quick to
listen, slow to speak, slow to anger.” That is about as clear as it gets but
let me help you apply it.
James starts out, “You must understand this, my beloved.”
That’s his way of saying, “Listen to this and listen good.” We don’t know specifically who his audience
is. It says, “The 12 tribes of the dispersion.” That would be all Christians
everywhere. James, however, spends a lot
of time talking about words, and gossip, and evil speaking, and lying that
sound like they are directed right at us. I suspect that he had some first-hand
experience with some of this. So “listen
up and listen good.”
He continues, “let
everyone be quick to listen.”
Several years ago, there was a survey that revealed that
only 4.1% of the teenage girls in America feel they could to go their father to
talk about a serious problem. USA Today followed up with an eye-opening study
asking teens where they go for help in a crisis. The most popular choice was
music, the second choice was peers, and the third was TV. Amazing as it may
sound, moms were down the list at number thirty-one, and dads were forty-
eighth.
Why? In part because parents are slow to listen. Maybe we
are just trying to do too many things.
When it comes to listening, multitasking is a myth. You can
think about four times faster than a person usually talks, so take inventory
right now. What are you thinking about?
Are you thinking about what I am saying or is your mind on … what you will have
for lunch, or what a nice day it is? When you are listening to someone do you
find yourself planning what you will say in response even before they finish
the whole story?
Listening is complicated, and many things can get in our
way. James answer is be quick to listen,
but that does not mean listen quickly. In order to be quick to listen we have
to slow down.
The respected pastor and writer Charles Swindoll tells this
story on himself in his book STRESS FRACTURES.
"Things around our home started reflecting the pattern
of my hurry-up lifestyle. It was becoming unbearable.
"I distinctly remember after supper one evening, the
words of our younger daughter, Colleen. She wanted to tell me something
important that had happened to her at school that day. She began hurriedly,
'Daddy, I wanna tell you somethin' and I'll tell you really fast.'
"Suddenly realizing her frustration, I answered,
'Honey, you can tell me -- and you don't have to tell me really fast. Say it
slowly." "I'll never forget her answer: 'Then listen slowly
daddy.'"
Be quick to listen but listen slowly with every bit of
attention you have. Listen to your wife, or sister, or parent. And for heaven’s sake listen to your children
and grandchildren. The thing about
children is they always tell the truth… we just have to figure out what it
means. Slow down and listen to the youngins as they tell their story and you
just might change their lives.
A psychologist did a series of interviews with young women
who found themselves involved in prostitution. He asked if there was anything
that they could think of that might have turned their life a different
direction. Almost unanimously tears welled
up and they said, “If someone had cared enough to listen my life might be
different.”
The power of being quick to listen slowly.
There are three steps to listening, and you probably don’t
need to take notes on this…
1. Listen to the other person's story.
2. Listen to the other person's full story.
3. Listen to the other person's full story first.
You know like in court.
Listen to their story, the whole story and nothing but their story.
James goes on after
saying, “be quick to listen,” to say, “be slow to speak.”
One of my favorite sayings that has saved me more than once
is, “It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak up and
erase all doubt.”
Proverbs 18:28 is similar, “Even a fool is thought wise if
he keeps silent, and is thought discerning if he holds his tongue.” James says,
“be slow to speak.”
Listen first… then be slow to speak… our speech should be
thoughtful.
First Peter (3:8-10) has some advice about communication,
“Finally, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, affectionate, compassionate,
and humble. Do not return evil for evil or insult for insult, but instead bless
others because you were called to inherit a blessing. For the one who wants to
love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from
uttering deceit.”
HARMONIOUS. Let me get an official opinion here… should a
chord have just one note? No but has one sound doesn’t it? Likewise, we don’t
all have to sing the same song. We don’t have to all think exactly alike. But
when you meet someone with a different opinion, try to make a beautiful sound
when you put your idea next to the other person’s idea. Too often it seems like the goal today is for
our speech to sound like fingernails on a chalk board to anyone who disagrees.
No don’t be like that. Strive for harmony.
SYMPATHETIC. “having like feelings.” Communication is not
just words. It is feelings. Listen for
the feelings and remember when you felt that way.
Part of being part
of community is being able to put ourselves in the shoes of a brother or
sister. When I have had to deliver bad
news to folks, I usually try to ask myself “how would I want to hear it” and
“How would it make me feel if I heard those words?”
Words are powerful. We have the choice of chucking a truth
bomb into someone’s life, or taking their hand, considering their feelings and
walking together into the truth. Let
your words be harmonious and sympathetic.
AFFECTIONATE, COMPASSIONATE, AND HUMBLE - I lump these
together not because they are exactly the same, but because we all know the way
we are to treat one another. Do it.
Affectionate, compassionate, and humble… think loving caring
and respectful. The same things we have
been talking about through this whole series. We all know we are supposed to
love our neighbors. How about loving our partners, parents, girlfriends or
boyfriends, sisters, brothers, uncles, aunts, grandparents and everyone else in
family like relationships. They are our neighbors too.
Think before you speak, and then think again, and think one
more time asking yourself if this is loving, caring and respectful. So, we might say James tells us to be slow to
speak too quickly.
Finally, James adds
be slow to anger. We live in an angry
culture. Sometimes anger is justified but we must be slow to anger. Be slow to
be offended. Be slow to make judgments. Don’t go into a conversation with your
boiler all stoked up. Go back to being quick to listen slowly… Slow to speak to
quickly… And it will help mitigate anger.
Constant communication is he building block that will get
you through almost anything. Professor
Hans Jurgens performed a study of German couples and determined that after 2
years the amount of communications between couples was half of what it was in
their first year. By year 6 it was less than half of that, and by year 8 he
said most couples have run out of things to say and are in a state of “almost
total speechlessness." That is
almost unbelievable to me, but The American Sociological Review, interviewed
working women and discovered that they talk with their husbands an average of
12 minutes each day.
Let your family be the exception. Talk with your family…
listen to each other’s stories, the whole story and nothing but the story. And
then when you talk… talk to each other harmoniously, sympathetically, lovingly,
with care and respect.
There is so much that could be said about communication. But
let me give you some homework this week.
It is pretty simple.
Ask someone in your family a leading question. What did you do today? What do
you think about this? List 20 things that you have today that I didn’t have
when I was a kid. Ask open ended question and then just see how long you can
listen. Maybe you have to ask another question to keep it going, or ask for
clarification, but see how long you can just listen.
Because being heard… really heard can change your family …
or even a person’s life.
