Change a habit, change a life- Silence 3/14/21

 

Change a habit, change a life- Silence

3/14/21

You might know the name, Bill Wilson.  If not, you know his work. 

He was in New Bedford, Connecticut learning to use a machine gun before being shipped to Europe in World War 1. One evening  Bill was offered a drink. He came from a strict house and had never tasted alcohol, but he thought accepting it was the polite thing to do. 

A few weeks later he took his second drink and writes that he thought he had found the Elixer of Life.  Years later, back from Europe, his marriage failing, a fortune made a lost he met a friend who had been sober for two months. The friend told him he got religion. He said,  “Realize you are licked, admit it and get ready to turn your life over to God.”  Wilson thought he was a cook.  He said, “last summer an alcoholic, this summer a crackpot.”

One month later Wilson was himself in rehab. As he detoxed he went through the worst withdrawal symptoms you can imagine.  The pain got so bad he called out “If there is a God show yourself”  A moment later a white light filled the room, the pain ceased, and he felt like he was on a mountain top. He felt like a free man and never had a drink again!

He spent the last 36 years of his life sober and dedicated to helping other alcoholics beat the habit. 2.1 million people every year seek help from the group Bill Wilson started, Alcoholics anonymous. As many as 10 million may have found sobriety through the group. 

Which in a way seems strange because it is downright unscientific. AA does not address the underlying biochemical processes of alcoholism. It does not promote the usual medical practices that help people conquer alcohol addiction. The number 12 (as in 12 steps) was randomly chosen because there were 12 apostles. And for a non-religious person like Bill Wilson, it seems strange that 7 of the 12 steps mention God. 

AA is not based on medical science.  But it works because it is based on breaking the habit loop. 

In the 12 steps, for instance, step four (to make “a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves”) and five (to admit “to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs”). That comes right out of the game plan of identifying our triggers or cues.  

And Then AA addresses the reward. You be surprised to know that intoxication doesn’t even show up on the list for many people. Usually, the reward is escape, or release, or socializing over a drink. The friendship and support along with the cathartic nature of sharing help to reach the same reward. 

Basically, AA offers meetings and sponsors as substitute behaviors for drinking.  And it works. It might not be scientific from a medical perspective, but who can argue with something that works for so many people. 

12 step support groups are used in battling all kinds of addictions, but also for destructive habits, like overeating, gambling, self-mutilation, sex addiction, video games, emotional dependency,  and dozens of other destructive habits. And it is all based on breaking the habit cycle. If breaking the habit cycle works for drugs, alcohol, and tobacco with their strong component of biological dependency the same approach can certainly work for someone who wants to break the habit of gossiping, or being chronically late, or procrastination, or cussing, or pornography, or greed or any other habit that seems bigger than we are. 

Find the triggers, identify the rewards and link them with a new behavior that is hopefully less destructive than the current behavior. As I have said before, rinse and repeat, and a new habit is being born. 

You can do it. No one will tell you that it will be easy. Whatever your habit is, it will be tough to replace it. That is the nature of habits. But you can do it. 

But the first step may be the hardest. We have to be honest with ourselves. As Wilson’s friend put it, “admit you’re beat.” We tend to protect ourselves and our habits with lies or assumptions  like 

• I haven’t been able to quit in the past so I won’t be able to do it now.  The truth is, it takes a long time to break habits–sometimes even years. But if we give up, we miss out on the freedom at the end of the tunnel.

• Just this once won’t hurt. Put that in the mouth of an alcoholic and you will understand why it is not true for any of the rest of us either. 

• My habit isn’t hurting anyone. Maybe this is true, but chances are it affects your relationships, or your job, or your finances, or your health or something… If it is a bad habit it likely hurts someone. If nothing else, it hurts us to stay enslaved to a bad habit. 

• It shouldn’t be so hard. If God wants me to stop, he should help. And the other side

• I can always be forgiven. Both of those are true, but they are not to be used as an excuse. 

• I can do this on my own. Here’s the truth: If you could have you would have.  It’s hard to fix yourself. Find a friend, a pastor, a Bible study group, or someone who can help you get the burden off of your shoulders.  And hold you accountable.

Big habit or small the process is the same.  Identify the trigger, identify the reward and keep both of them.  But, find different behavior that is more desirable. 

Once you have admitted your problem, three things might help you to change your habits.  

• If it is a big habit, It is helpful if you can break it up.  I had a friend when I was a carpenter, who stopped smoking – as he said “one cigarette at a time.”  First, he eliminated the automatic cigarette triggered by the morning break. Then he went after the cigarettes triggered by other cues, one at a time. He substituted talking during break time and sometimes his talk was so vulgar I almost wished he would stick a cigarette back in his mouth, but that passed and I was glad it worked for him and he was able to quit. It is the old saying, how do you eat an elephant… one bite at a time. Baby steps help with big bad habits. 

• The second is accountability. Someone should be on the habit-changing journey with you to encourage you and hold you accountable.  A friend, pastor, family member, co-worker, counselor, it doesn’t matter. But we need someone to hold us accountable and someone to celebrate the victories big and small.

• The third thing that helps, but maybe it should be the first thing, is prayer. God wants us to be healthy. God wants us to be the best we can be. And praying for strength to get through the day or the hour is a good tool. 

Break the cycle, take it in small bites, get help, and bathe your efforts in prayer.  And you can replace any habit in your life. Change your habits, change your life. 

This week’s spiritual habit is one of the easiest and one of the hardest.  We live in a world addicted to noise.  Many people want something going all the time. A tv, a radio, Spotify, whatever. Whether two are in the car, the living room, or walking they want background noise. And sometimes it is like an auditory assault… you know how commercials come up so much louder than tv shows. Sometimes it seems to me that we are under attack.

But I am a person that loves this spiritual discipline.  Silence and solitude. 

Was anyone uncomfortable during the silent prayer? I'm sure some were. But silence does not need to make us uncomfortable. …listen(wait)…are you listening? (wait).

I believe God speaks. And how can we hear if we don’t listen? 

Cynically, we can turn to  Proverbs 17:28 Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent; with their mouths shut, they seem intelligent.

We all want to seem intelligent, don’t we? But that is not a reason for keeping silent, 

Today’s story clearly shows us that Jesus needed to getaway.  The crowds were pressing in.  He was more and more popular and more and more in demand. But he “withdrew to deserted places to pray.” Lk 5:16

At least 5 other times I found, Jesus did the same thing

If it’s Good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for us right?  Getting away from the noise of life for solitude and silence is essential to being centered and being able to hear the voice of God. 

Remember I am asking you to change a habit by replacing it with one of the spiritual disciplines.  You might use prayer, scripture reading, generosity, or it might be silence. Let me give you a couple of ways to do that.  

Go for a walk by yourself. (No earbuds allowed)  Keep your ears and your mind open. Shut off the automatic conversation you have going on in your head. Walk slow or walk fast.  But walk in silence. Walk for a few minutes or walk 4 miles.  But walk in solitude. You will be amazed at the way your senses wake up just because you are listening. And you’ll be amazed at the things God will speak into your silence. 

Alternatively, when you pray, instead of ending with a quick signoff, “amen”… just stop, say, “Lord, I am listening.” And then be quiet. See if you can feel your pulse gently beating somewhere. Become aware of your breathing.  If something pops into your mind, pray it, but then go back to silence.  I lose track of time when I do it, but you will know when you are done. 

Finally, an alternative is to find a quiet corner of the house. I prefer my backyard swing in the dark, but that’s up to you.  (The darkness just takes away one of the major senses) Find a quiet spot and relax… and relax. Relax your toes, your feet, your ankles, your calves, your knees… you get the idea. Relax everything and as you do feel open to the silence.  Just sit relaxed and listening. Sometimes God will speak clearly… other times maybe not. But have you ever been with a friend and just sat in silence?  It can be very powerful.  And that is what you are doing. Sitting with a friend in silence. 

Let’s try that… 

Change your habits change your life #4 Little habits and generosity

 

• Sometimes it is not the big things that cause problems in life, but the little ones. 

• It is the old David and Goliath story

• The massive engines on the space shuttle challenger worked perfectly but it was brought down by what amounts to a big washer. It is the little things that trip us up. 

• And it is the little things that bring us peace. For most of the last 40 years, I’ve seen churches through good and bad… but my yard swing has been my refuge. I can go out and swing away the darkness and watch the stars shine. Such a simple thing, but so powerful. 

• See what I mean? Little things make so much difference in life. 

• I would argue that often the little habits add up to be more important than the big ones. 

• We can forgive someone for lying to us, but what about leaving wet towels on the floor?

• We accept someone with a sketchy past, but what about poor hygiene habits?

• We can tolerate bad manners, but someone who compulsively clears their throat might be too much for us. See what I mean? It’s the little things.

• Next week we are going to talk about how to handle some of the bigger and tougher habits of life. But this week I just want us to talk about the little ones. 

• Just because they are smaller habits does not mean that they are easy to change, but they are smaller bites that, given time and determination, most of us can manage. IF WE WANT TO.

• That is the key phrase. IF WE WANT TO.

• These little habits all hinge on one thing… IF WE WANT TO.

• Take for instance a Health Habits like…How hard is it to eat a raw fruit or vegetable at every meal? Not hard, but how many of us do it? Think of the difference it could make. A small step that we could manage IF WE WANT TO. 

• How about a mental health habit … our lives get so crazy, how about a 5minute silence break during the day. I do this many days. It isn’t a hard habit to have IF YOU WANT TO. 

• Or similar might be like I said last week… pray instead of worry. Pretty easy. IF YOU WANT TO. 

• Maybe you need a better work habit… When you have a project to complete, how about turning off the phone for an hour of uninterrupted time. Shut off the phone and don’t check the email. I promise the world won’t end. But it only works IF YOU WANT TO. 

• In the area of relationships. How about this: text, email, or call one person each day just because you are thinking about them. A few seconds is all it would take… I like this one… I might have to start doing it. You could too IF YOU WANT TO. 

• Do you see what a difference even one of those little habits could make? 

• Remember, 

• choose the behavior you want to habituate.

• Identify a reward and make it a real reward. Like if I walk 3 out of 5 days, I’ll treat myself to a Casey’s cookie. 

• Finally, determine a cue. It could be an alarm on your phone, when breakfast is over, every time you get in the car, or whenever you feel tired during the day. It doesn’t matter what the cue is, as long as it works for you. 

• Set a small intention, then build a reward and a cue around it, rinse and repeat to change a small habit… and it just might make a big change in your life.

• The spiritual habit to which I want to connect it is generosity.

•  see what we can learn from Parable of the talents

• Today we read the story of the 3 slaves who receive huge sums of money when the master heads out to a foreign country.  Now a talent was a measure of weight, not currency. It was about 70 pounds or 6000 denari. Do you remember that a denari was the usual daily wage for a worker? If you aren’t quick at math that means that a talent was roughly 23 years wages for a laborer. In terms of today’s mean US income, a talent would be about a million dollars. So, the first man received $5 million, the second $2 million, and the third $1million. Even if you are the third guy a million dollars is not chump change. We can tell immediately that the man was wealthy, and he trusted his slaves entirely. 

• When he came back from his trip, he received a 100% increase from the first two men. $10 million from the first man, $4 million from the second man and he was happy. “Well done good and faithful servant enter into the joy of your master.” But wait for it … the third man only had his principle to return. The third man is condemned and called wicked and lazy. 

• Why did the third man bury the talent in the ground? In his own words, “Master, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow, and gathering where you scattered no seed, so I was afraid.”

• Ding, ding, ding, We have a winner. It’s right there. He was afraid. He wasn’t lazy and wicked; he was just afraid.

• Afraid he might fail, afraid he would lose the money, afraid he might get swindled… he was just afraid. Because he was afraid, he lived with his fist figuratively clenched tightly around the talent and it got him nothing. 

• On the other hand, there are the two slaves who took a risk and did what they could for the master, and they were rewarded. They lived with their hand open and palm up ready to bless and be a blessing to the master. 

• To be very clear- this parable is about more than money. In fact, our use of the word “talent” to describe an innate ability is a carryover from this very parable. 

• The parable is about our 

• treasure, but it is also about all the other areas of stewardship 

• talent, 

• testimony and 

• time. Of those 4 areas, one of the hardest for many of us is time. 

• My colleagues and I noticed about 15 years ago, a shift in what people considered most valuable in the church. 

• There was a time when everyone showed up for the annual chicken dinner or the UMW bazaar. In those days, people were more willing to give time than money. 

• Today it has flipped around. If I send an envelope around with a sign-up for youth dinners on it, most of you would rather stuff some money in the envelope than sign up for a week to cook, right? Am I right? I have seen it over and over. So even if it isn’t true for you it is very likely true for the person sitting in the next pew.

• I have to say, financially, this is an amazingly generous church.

• But anyone who has tried to recruit workers knows how hard that can be.

• The truth is that we all have the same amount of time in our day, our week, and our month. Yet I often hear “I don’t have time.” 

• I don’t doubt that. Many of us have VERY busy lives. 

• I know how it is when you have young children in the house. 

• I know how starting or owning a business is a time gobbler. 

• I know that some of you are furthering your education while you work and raise a family. 

• I know that everyone is different in many ways… 

• but I come back to the fact that everyone has exactly the same amount of time everyone else does. The master has given us exactly one life. 

• So I ask you..

• are investing your time the way you want? Are you investing your time in a way that the master will pat you on the back and say “well done good and faithful servant?”

• Or are you grasping tightly, desperately afraid that someone is going to steal your time? Are you desperately digging a hole where you can hide your time, hoping beyond hope that it will still be there when you get back? I’m sorry, it won’t be and the master’s words will not be kind. 

• It is great to have a habit of being financially generous, I am so grateful for that. But have you ever tried to teach a Sunday School class or lead VBS with just a stack of money, you can’t do it? It requires someone who has the habit of generosity with their time.

• It is great to have a habit of being generous with forgiveness, but you can’t feed hungry people with an “I forgive you.” It requires someone who will be generous with their money AND their time. 

• It is great to be generous with your stuff like toothpaste for ingathering kits, but you can’t plan a worship Service on toothpaste it takes people being generous with time to sing, and read, and run technology, and play instruments, and usher, and greet, and clean the building, and pay the bills so we have a warm place to worship, and scoop the snow so we can get in.  

• The church could make do without a lot of things, but we can never make do without people like you who make a habit of being generous with their time. 

• What am I talking about? I am asking you to have a heart-to-heart with God about the way you spend your time. Everyone is different. You might get a “well done good and faithful servant” or you might feel a nudge toward being more generous with your time in some way. 

• And then it is a matter of habit. Remember the key to changing small habits. IF YOU WANT TO. 

• You can change the habit of saying no to the habit of saying yes. IF YOU WANT TO. 

• You can change the habit of heading home for a night of TV to the habit of heading to the church to spend an hour nurturing children in the faith. IF YOU WANT TO. 

• You can change the habit of grocery shopping on Sunday morning to shopping on Sunday afternoon so you can be a liturgist in worship once a month. IF YOU WANT TO. 

• The way we use our time is largely a matter of habit. And they aren’t usually big habits. They are little bite-sized habits that can be changed IF YOU WANT TO. 

• Remember the key phrase for changing little habits is IF YOU WANT TO. 

• Do you? DO YOU WANT TO? Do you want to be a better steward of the amazing gift of time that God has given each of us? 

• Generosity is like the little boy who got his hand stuck in an expensive vase. Eventually, his mother cringed and broke the vase to see the little boy tightly grasping a penny in his little fist. In holding on to the penny with a tight fist, he sacrificed the expensive vase.

• Open your hand and share generously all that God has given you, and both the penny and the vase can be saved. 

Change your habits, change your life #3 Prayer

 

1. Many of you have at least heard of Tony Dungy.

1.  Now a speaker and writer, at one time he was an assistant football coach who had failed to convince any team to hire him as head coach. Even after 4 interviews, no one wanted Dungy because he had an unorthodox philosophy.

2. Finally, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who were so bad they were nicknamed “America’s doormat” hired Dungy as head coach. What did they have to lose right?

3. Immediately Dungy began to implement his philosophy. 

2. He didn’t have a lot of fancy plays or trick moves.  He did drills. 

1. He drilled and drilled and drilled his players making small changes in the way they played; noticing the direction that your opponent’s foot was pointing told you one thing. If they lined up with their pads not perfectly square to the line, meant something else. 

2. Dungy drilled and drilled until the players started responding to these cues naturally.   No more deciding which direction to go. The players line up and the habit takes over noticing the cues and responding out of habit gained them precious milliseconds which, Dungy believed, would add up to winning games.

3. Dungey would soon become a successful NFL turn around coach known setting the record for the most consecutive appearances by a coach in post season play. 

2. Dungy’s trick was really no trick at all, 

1. he just understood the power of habits.  You see, he took good players and drilled them until they no longer had to think about how to respond to the cures of the other players. They responded out of habit making them faster, more confident and, frankly better.

2. He moved control of the game from the decision making in the frontal cortex to a habit controlling in the Basal Ganglia. And it proved a winning habit.  

3. In the last two weeks we have talked about good habits, weird habits, and bad habits.

1. last week we talked about how to install a good habit in our life. Identify the behavior we want, create a trigger, and a reward and repeat. And a habit is born.  We didn't however address a problem that plagues many of us and that is bad habits.

2. the golden rule of habit change is that you can never extinguish a bad habit you can only change it. Like they say “it is like riding a bike. You never really forget how to ride a bike.”  You can’t get rid of a habit, but you can change it. 

1. I observed an interesting example of this with a lady in a previous church. She emigrated from Germany as a small child and learned English as a second language. Her parents only spoke German when they wanted to keep a secret from the kids.  As she aged this woman started to experience dementia and eventually the habit of speaking German overcame the habit of speaking English. She spoke only German to the day she died. That habit was still there ingrained on her basil Ganglia from early childhood. 

3. So, you see, you can’t really get rid of the habit even if you want to.  But you can change it. 

1. In simple terms the pigeon in the laboratory pecks at the red light and the food drops out. Change the color of the light and pretty quickly the bird modifies his or her behavior to peck on the yellow light. 

1. The trigger is hunger, the reward is seed, but you can change the color of the button or the shape of the button and the habit is changed… not gone, just changed. 

2. For a while last summer, I was a little like our friend from last week, Homer Simpson. I got in the habit of eating Casey’s chocolate chunk cookies.  I mean like almost daily.  They are good, but that is just a bad idea. I realized when I got in the car my brain expected a chocolate chip cookie.  That was my trigger.  The reward speaks for itself because chocolate chip cookies make me feel good.  

1. I decided to change the behavior. I still had a desire when I got in the car, but instead of caving in to drive to Casey’s, I went down to the park and took a short walk as often as I could. It didn’t have to be long.  But the sunshine and the fresh air made me feel good, almost as good as eating a chocolate chip cookie. I was able to change the3 habit and now I treat myself with a cookie about once a week.

3. You can actually use that on any habit you have from eating chocolate chip cookies to quitting drinking. A fascinating study was done in which 5 men who had been through rehab multiple times for alcoholism. Each had an electrical probe planted in the Basal Ganglia (remember that’s where habits live?).  Immediately, they reported the craving for alcohol was gone. That was great, until they experienced stress. 4 out of the 5 went back to drinking because that was the only way they knew to deal with stress. Replacing the drinking with another activity any activity would have proven more successful. 

4. You can’t get rid of a habit; you can only change it. Keep the trigger, keep the reward, and change the behavior for a new habit. 

 

4. OK, now that helps with anything from chocolate cookies to cigarettes. But how does it help with a spiritual habit?

1. I find that spiritual habits are great replacements for less desirable habits. 

1. I knew a youth who decided that every time he was tempted to go to a porn website, he would open his bible and read a psalm. It worked!

2. I know a youth who was a cutter.  She vowed to call someone in the youth group whenever she felt the urge to cut.  It wasn’t the perfect answer but talking to a friend who was also sometimes hurting made a big difference.

3. Þ  Disciples ask Jesus to teach them to pray.
   ·      Jesus replies with the  Lord’s prayer we all know it, and I hope you use it frequently.
   ·      Some complain that it is too rote… don’t think about it
   ·      I challenge that -suggesting spiritual habits are useful
   ·      Remember, habits are necessary for our brains saving energy.
   ·      Habits are also necessary for out hearts providing the foundation upon which our spiritual lifes stand.
   1.   Seen people unresponsive nearing death and when we pray the lord’s prayer, their lips begin to move alone with us.  The habit pays  off.
   2.   Seen people who were in advanced stages of dementia… when I recite the 23^rd Psalm they join me.
   3.   Maybe you have been in a stressful moment and cant figure out what to pray…  Lord’s prayer comes automatically.
   ·      Spiritual habits form an important foundation for us
   1.   Words we need when we don’t have others
   2.   Internalize discipleship when everything around us is chaos

4. This week’s habit, prayer, is a great substitute for any number of things. 

1. Get cut off in traffic? Pray. 

2. Get a nuisance phone call? Pray.  

3. Pull over to let a firetruck by? Pray for the family that might be having the worst day of their life. 

4. Have a pain? Pray for someone whose pain never goes away. 

5. Sit down to a meal and in addition to giving thanks for the food give thanks for the farmers, laborers, truckdrivers, factory workers, and grocers who helped get it to your table. 

6. Do something hurtful to someone you love? Pray not only for forgiveness, but for God to use the pain and remorse you feel to make you more loving in the future. 

5. Get the idea?  

1. Anything in life can and should be a cue to pray. 

2. Anything and everything should call you to a time of prayer, 

1. long or short, 

2. silent or out loud, 

3. exuberantly exalting or quietly confessing. 

4. That Is what Paul describes as “praying unceasingly.”

6. Brother Lawrence the author of “practice of the presence of God” wrote, “That we should establish ourselves in a sense of God’s presence, by continually conversing with him.”

7. Our prayer should be as close and as natural as breathing.  Try this with me. Become aware of your breathing. Feel your lungs fill and empty, fill and empty.  Notice of you are breathing deeply with your diaphragm or shallow. Is your breath fast or is it slow?  Even or ragged. Quiet or wheezy.

1. Take a deep breath in. Hold it and release it. 

2. Again

3. As you breathe out, “exhale your human spirit and inhale the spirit of God.”

4. Exhale your intentions and inhale God’s perfect will

5. Exhale your way, inhale God’s way.

6. Exhale your need to control and inhale your desire for God to make you whatever you can become

7. Exhale…  inhale

8. Exhale, exhale, exhale, hold it, hold it, hold it. Do you need to breathe hold it? 

9. From now on May your habit or prayer be as strong as you instinct to breathe. Inhale. Inhale. 

10. AMEN